A stupendous round of applause to Martin for saving my digits from typing out the lyrics from this album by doing the hard work for me. Top Man!
Lyrics from the Trumptin Riots EP to follow shortly.
MM
Saturday, 6 October 2007
I Left My Heart In Papworth General [Back in the D.HS.S.]
Precious McKenzie, boy I remember you well
With a gob full of tapioca I would sit and I’d watch you excel
Those legendary rivulets would trickle on down to your chin
But I always wondered what you did when you packed it all in
And what are you doing today?
And what have you done with the money?
And how much did Singleton pay?
Do you think you were misunderstood?
I do.
Down at Stoke Mandeville I bumped into Mr IQ
I said “Hey albino, this is not 1972
Stub out your King Edward and get that small boy off your knee
And melt down your fingerware and get yourself off my TV”
Jim could you fix it for me
To come down and suck out your kidneys?
I’ve got this young brother, you see
Who wants to stay alive to watch Bilko
When I’m pining for a cigarette
I think of all the free ones that I’d get
If I killed myself and came back as a beagle
I left my heart in Papworth General
Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk
On the 12" of "Dickie Davies Eyes" originally. Title a parody of "I Left My Heart In San Francisco" by 60's crooner Tony Bennett.
Papworth General First heart transplant operation (in UK?).
Stoke Mandeville Hospital, famous for Jimmy Saville's appearances, specializes in spinal injuries.
Precious McKenzie Commonwealth & Olympic weightlifter, whose surname may actually be spelt Mackenzie.
[Valerie] Singleton Blue Peter presenter.
Bilko Telly sergeant, comedian.
Mr IQ/Albino Jimmy Saville references.
Jimmy Saville Ex-DJ, Mr Fix-It and lots of jewelry, smokes cigars.
I love you because (You look like Jim Reeves) [Back in the D.H.S.S.]
My girlfriend looks like Peggy Mount
What am I supposed to do?
I’m up the creek but never mind the paddle, boy
I haven’t even got a canoe
I sold my soul to an Arctic Roll
I went to hell on a red skidoo
I did the Shake ‘n’ Vac and broke my fucking back
And now my library books are nine weeks overdue
Knock knock, who’s there?
The patron saint of Llandudno
The patron saint of Llandudno who?
Tony Bastable!
You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours
And I’ll be in heaven before you
I love you because you look like Jim Reeves
Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk
"I Love You Because" was a 1964 hit for the aforementioned Mr. Reeves (a US crooner from the 60's). It was in the charts for 39 weeks!
Peggy Mount Now a dame, actress. Not a babe.
Arctic Roll 89p from Sainsbury's.
Skidoo A C5 on skis.
Shake'n'Vac A carpet cleaner (shake it on, vacuum it off). The TV ad had an infectious song, complete with dance ("Do the Shake'n'Vac and put the freshness back..."). Frank Sidebottom has covered it in "Firm Favourite Ads".
Llandudno North Wales town where people go to die.
Tony Bastable Presenter of ITV's Magpie, and also "Merry Go Round", with Mavis Nicholson (it was on after Crown Court on Fridays, I'm told). He should've been sent down for that.
Reflections in a Flat [Back in the D.H.S.S.]
Oh darling sugar honey
When it was nice and sunny
And when I had some money
We would go and see Echo And The Bunny-men
Since I was eight I’ve loved you
Through garden gates I’ve shoved you
Then there’s the time I slashed you
And you had to go to hospital
Now you are gone forever
Shot by your uncle Trevor
My story seems so tragic
Ali Bongo’s good at contortionism
Oh he’s much better than David Nixon ever was
Ohhhhh Oohhhh Oo Ooh
Slowly I picked my life up
Now I go and pick the wife up
She works in Marks And Spencer’s
La la la Lech Walesas
When Cupid threw her last dart
You, girl, were still in my heart
I love you more than ever
Even though I married Trevor
Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk
Echo & The Bunnymen Liverpool band of late 70's early 80's, reformed in 1997.
Ali Bongo Conjuror/comic. Apparently directly descended from William Wallace (Ali's real name too?) of Braveheart and Stirling monument fame. Has from time to time had his own show, but basically acts as "magical advisor" to the likes of Paul Daniels, and formerly to...
David Nixon Another prestidigitator, and now dead. Looked very much like FW de Klerk.
Marks & Spencers Middle class clothes and food chain of shops. Where everyone buys their undies.
Lech Walesa Former Polish President, having risen from a trades unionist in the shipyards of Gdansk.
Venus in Flares [Back in the D.H.S.S.]
A million housewives every day, pick up a can of beans and say
“What an amazing example of synchronisation”
He looked out of the aeroplane and he saw the
He fixed his gaze upon the white terrain and he could see a portrait in the snow
And he shouted “Hey look down there. I can see Robert Powell
That’s an ominous example of the power of TV”
And I went la la la la la la la
La la la la la la laaaaaa
I went la la la la la la la
Just like everyone else does when they can’t think of any more words
Yeah ok I had a Kojak mac, by Christ they were trendy at the time
I got it into my head that I had to stamp out crime
The man behind the mask at C&As was quite polite
He said that when I wore my mac I wouldn’t have to fight
And I went yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah sure George
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah oh God
Well, The Grand Old Duke Of
Well, he had ten thousand men
And he marched them up to the top of the hill
And he had them all again
Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk
Title refers to "Venus in Furs" by The Velvet Underground."A million housewives..." Reference to old Heinz beans advert.
Portrait in the snow Some people allege that viewed from an aeroplane, you can see Christ's face when looking down on the Alps, hence, I can see ...
Robert Powell Actor who played the title role in Jesus of Nazareth; also attempts comedy with Jasper Carrott.
Kojak Telly detective, Telly Savalas.
C&A Chain of clothes shops.
"The Grand Old Duke of York..." Nursery rhyme.
George Well, George Savalas was Telly's brother (he appeared in Kojak too). Not sure it's him they're referring to, though.
The Len Ganley Stance [Back in the D.H.S.S.]
Everybody’s doing the Len Ganley stance (x8)
No no no no no more locomotion
No no no more dancing in the street
No no no no no more mashed potato
No no no more shuffling of the feet
Everybody’s doing the Len Ganley stance (x4)
Keep your arms as rigid as a juggernaut
Clench your fists, point your knuckles straight ahead
Do your best to look like a teddy bear
Then try and pretend to look vertically dead
Everybody’s doing the Len Ganley stance (x4)
Praise the Lord, you all look so beautiful
Bulging waistcoats, thirty inch of neck
Shine your shoes and head for the Crucible
Brush the baize and keep the crowd in check
Everybody’s doing the Len Ganley stance (x4)
Everybody’s doing the Len Ganley stance – oh my god
Everybody’s doing the Len Ganley stance – set the trend
Everybody’s doing the Len Ganley stance – You know what Andy Warhol says
Everybody’s doing the Len Ganley stance – We can do this forever
Everybody’s doing the Len Ganley stance (x3)
Come on baby do the Len Ganley stance
Everybody’s doing the Len Ganley stance (x4)
Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk
Len Ganley Snooker referee.Crucible Sheffield theatre, home to annual World Snooker Championships (presented by David Vine, of course).
Locomotion, Mashed Potato 60's dances based on single songs.
Andy Warhol Pop artist & mate of the Velvet Underground.
I Hate Nerys Hughes [Back in the D.H.S.S.]
St. Vitus came to my town and visited the cemetery
The dead got up and everything became one big cocophony
They all went down the social and they claimed their supplementary
And all the necrophiliacs were walking round in misery
The rattling mass of calcium went shopping in the superstore
Careering down the aisles like one big psychopathic carnivore
The shelf-stacker’s work of art in ecstacy crashed to the floor
And meanwhile the saint was going crazy at the fire door
Ah, the beautiful, sparkling healthy spa water of
I hate Nerys Hughes (x4)
Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk
Nerys Hughes "Star" of The Liver Birds and The District Nurse.St. Vitus St. Vitus Dance is a disease where the sufferer shakes and so seem to dance.
Social, Supplementary The Dept. of Health and Social Security, Supplementary Benefit - dosh given by the DHSS to unemployed people without sufficient National Insurance contributions. Then renamed Income Support, and now lumped with Unemployment Benefit into Jobseeker's Allowance.
Bath Spa town - was in the now defunct county of Avon. Now resides in the informatively named district of Bath and North-East Somerset. The beautiful healthy bath water of Spa isn't bad either.
99% Of Gargoyles Look Like Bob Todd [Back in the D.H.S.S.]
Jesus Christ come on down!
If you ever wondered how
You get triangles from a cow
You need butter, milk and cheese
And an equilateral chainsaw
In debt I owe someone a fiver
Maybe I should try my hand at drag
James Dean was just a careless driver
And Marilyn Monroe was just a slag
99% Of Gargoyles Look Like Bob Todd (x4)
Mary had a little lamb, the doctors were astounded
Everywhere she went gynaecologists surrounded
They’ve been cooking on Blue Peter
Now they’re sampling the dishes
“I don’t normally like tomatoes John
But this delicious”
99% Of Gargoyles Look Like Bob Todd (x4)
Take me home
The son of Jimmy Clitheroe is shouting out
“Where’s my fiorucci?”
Now the Krona rumour spread but they didn’t tell the bread
Did you honestly think that they would?
And if 8 out of 10 cats all prefer Whiskas
Do the other two prefer Lesley Judd?
99% Of Gargoyles Look Like Bob Todd (x4)
Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk
Jesus Christ Right arm, over the wicket.
Bob Todd One of the two ugly blokes on the "Benny Hill Show", the one who didn't receive punishment.
James Dean, Marilyn Monroe Hollywood actor/actress of shortened lifespans.
Jimmy Clitheroe comedian, perennial naughty-schoolboy, died on teh day of his mother's cremation.
"If you've ever wondered how you get triangles from a cow" refers to the Dairylea soft cheese adverts. Pedantic note: they aren't even triangles.
Fiorucci Expensive and once trendy brand of Italian clothing.
Krona Unilever's idea of a replacement for butter and margarine. Remember those 'Danish margarine history' ads from years back? They were all a lie, Krona was first launched in Germany, apparently.
John [Noakes], Lesley Judd "Blue Peter" kids TV program presenters of 70's. Lesley Judd also did Whiskas adverts.
Whiskas was the name of the Blue Peter cat, as well as being a brand of cat food. "8 out of 10 owners who expressed a preference chose Whiskas..." Like, the owners ate Whiskas too?
Time Flies By [Back in the D.H.S.S.]
Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, Grubb
Let it happen, bass player
Time flies by when you’re a driver of a train
Speeding out of Trumpton with a cargo of cocaine
I get high when I’m the pilot of a plane
Touching down at Camberwick I’m stoned out of my brain
Under bridges, over bridges to our destination
Careful with that spliff,
Every Saturday I get the Chigley Skins
And they always smash my windows cos the home side always wins
Yeah time flies by when you’re a driver of a train
Gonna get these syringes out and crank up once again
Under bridges, over bridges to our destination
Careful with that spliff,
Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk
Based on the Chigley song of the same name. The opening notes are the theme tune to Camberwick Green; the subsequent 'bugle' (i.e. immediately before "Let it happen, bass player") bit is that played by Mr Bugle-player at Pippin fort - "Calling A, calling B, calling all in company".
Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb The Trumpton fire brigade.
Camberwick Camberwick Green. See Trumpton Riots.
"Careful with that spliff, Eugene" Pink Floyd reference.
Chigley Third kiddies animated series. Also see Trumpton Riots.
Seal Clubbing [Back in the D.H.S.S.]
I was just sitting there eating a salmonella sandwich
When a man walked up to me
“Would you mind, dear sir, if I asked you a question –
If music be the food of love, are you the indigestion”
Found myself standing amongst a score or so of aging grans and granddads
When a frail voice asked of me
“Would you mind, dear boy, I just can’t stand all this tension
Please let me in front of you so I can cash my pension”
Frank was going through a state of depression in his bedroom
When he reached out for the jar
He swallowed every last pill and he lay back on his duvet
But a Haliborange overdose is perhaps not the right way
Ooh Ooh to kill yourself
Down beside the babbling brook I was trying to sketch myself a stallion
When the stallion said to me
“That’s the third biro that you’ve broken, all day I can not wait
You can lead a horse to water but a pencil must be lead, mate”
Ooh ooh said the stallion
Me and my girl sealclubbing
Me and my girl out on the ice
Me and my girl sealclubbing
Me and my girl, ooh how nice
Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk
Title takes piss from David Essex's Nightclubbing.
Haliborange Fish oil and orange vitamin pills.
Fuckin' 'Ell It's Fred Titmus [Back in the D.H.S.S.]
Oh I was walking round my local store
I was searching for the ten pence off Lenor
When suddenly I bumped into this guy
On seeing who it was I gave a cry
“Fuckin’ ‘Ell, It’s Fred Titmus”
Oh Jane was pushing baby round the park
When all at once she saw her husband Mark
Well he was with a man down by the stream
So Jane and baby both began to scream
“Fuckin’ ‘Ell, It’s Fred Titmus”
Oh as the train pulled into platform three
I looked around for my best girl to see
As she disembarked I didn’t seem to care
Cos someone passed who made me stop and stare
Oh Dracula comes from
Stevie nicks books about kleptomania
Johnny looks out of his bedroom window and
Shouted to his mum “Fred Titmus”
Lenor Fabric conditioner.
Fred Titmus England bowler and ex-England selector, slightly deficient in the toe department. Has played first class cricket in five decades (1949-82), probably unique, post-war.
Dracula Gary Oldman, I think.
Transylvania Gary's locale in L.A. Or perhaps it's in Romania….
Stevie Nicks Singer with Fleetwood Mac. Oh DIE you old hippy scum.
God Gave Us Life [Back in the D.H.S.S.]
What did God give us, Neil?
God gave us life, Nigel
Sure did.
A one two three four, John the Baptist knows the score
God gave us life (x4)
So that we could all play with our mates in the street
With the ball that we bought from the shop just last week
God gave us life (x4)
So that we could take sweets off strange men in big cars
And get driven to the woods to stroke non-existent puppies
And he also gave us Una Stubbs
And he also gave us Little & Large
And he also gave us Keith Harris
And he also gave us Wendy Craig
And he also gave us Thora Hird
And he also gave us Matthew Kelly
And he also gave us Eartha Kitt
And he also gave us Lionel Blair
God gave us life (x4)
God gave us life – hallelujah (x4)
God gave us life – Pontius Pilate
God gave us life – Bobby Charlton
God gave us life – Gordon Jackson
God gave us life – have a banana
God gave us life
John the Baptist Jordan dipper, splashed Our Lord, head chopped of on Salome's behest.
Una Stubbs Actress, Alf Garnett's daughter (Rita), appeared as captain on "Give Us A Clue".
Little & Large Seriously unfunny comedy duo who once got Kevin Keegan to sing to millions. Bastards.
Keith Harris Mediocre ventriloquist, had a hit with "Orville's Song".
Wendy Craig Star of "Butterflies", Carla Lane abomination sitcom.
Thora Hird Actress and presenter of "Songs of Praise".
Mathew Kelly Presenter of "Game For A Laugh" Has moved on to other crimes against humanity.
Eartha Kitt Singer, also starred as Catwoman in the 60's spoof Batman series.
Isla St.Clair On The Generation Game with Larry Grayson, other things as well.
Lionel Blair Dancer. Led the opposing team to Una on "Give Us a Clue".
Live versions have a few other celebrities appearing, Ross King and Dani Behr being favourites.
Pontius Pilate Not JC's best mate.
Bobby Charlton Man U and England footy star of the 60's.
Gordon Jackson Late actor, starred in "Upstairs Downstairs" and "The Professionals".
MM adds:
Ahhhh, the very first HMHB song I heard. They aren't tears in my eyes, oh no.
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