For What is Chatteris... [Achtung Bono]

One way system smooth and commendable
Go by bus they're highly dependable
The swings in the park for kids have won awards
The clean streets acknowledged in the Lords

But what's a park if you can't see a Linnet
A timetable if your journey is infinite
My bag's packed and I'm leaving in a minute
For what is Chatteris without you in it

Car crime's low the gun crime's lower
The Town Hall band cd it's a grower
You never hear of folk getting knocked on the bonce
Although there was a drive-by shouting once

But there's a brass band everywhere
And I don't drive so I don't care
And as the nightingale sang in Berkeley Square
What's Chatteris if your not there

Like a game bird reserve short on pheasants
Weaver's cottages devoid of tenants
A market town that lacks quintescence
That's Chatteris without your presence

Three good butchers
Two fine chandlers
An indoor pool
And a first class cake shop
Ofsted plaudits
Envy of the Fens
Crick barriers at both ends

But what's Chatteris if your not there
What's Chatteris if your not there [repeat]

I may as well be in Ely or St Ives


Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Chatteris is in Cambridgeshire, roughly 7 miles from March, and roughly 20 miles from Cambridge.
A Nightingale Sang In Berkeley Square popular British song, tune by Manning Sherwin (1915), lyrics by Eric Maschwitz, first published in 1940, originally performed by Ray Noble, and made famous in the same year by Vera Lynn. Also performed by Nat King Cole, Glenn Miller, Harry Connick Jr. and Sonny Rollins. A famous version by The Manhattan Transfer won a Grammy in 1981 for its arranger, Gene Puerling. I won't mention the movie of the same name from 1979.
Berkeley Square is a town square in the West End of London in the City of Westminster, originally laid out in the mid 18th century by architect William Kent. It is named after the noble Gloucestershire family of the same name whose London home, Berkeley House, had stood nearby until 1733.
Ofsted Office for Standards in Education.
Fens Area of England that fans out from the Wash across Cambridgeshire, Lincolnshire and West Norfolk. Once an inhospitable swampy wilderness, now a network of waterways for holidaymakers to crash their barges on.
Prick barriers A traffic-calming device of particular abundance in the Fens. I can't speak for Chatteris, but nearby Gamlingay certainly has them, at both ends no less. They're somewhat like a chicane but more Z-shaped than hourglass-shaped and the purpose is to allow traffic through from one direction at a time.
Ely Cathedral city in Cambridgeshire, founded in 673 when Princess Etheldreda, daughter of the Anglo-Saxon King Anna adopted Christianity and formed a Coven/Convent one mile north of the Saxon village of Cratendune, an act that later ensured her elevation to Saint Etheldreda. Far more important, of course, for that famous night in Paris 1973 when Ely made the whole of Britain proud by winning the Grand Final of It's A Knockout / Jeux Sans Frontières.
St. Ives in Cambridgeshire, which is actually the ancient town of Slepe in the old county of Huntingdonshire. This ancient riverside market town is now named after the Persian Bishop, St. Ivo. St. Ives stands on the River Great Ouse and is world famous for the Chapel on the Bridge.

Monkey Man adds:

Linnet a type of bird