It Makes the Room Look Bigger [Saucy Haulage Ballads]

I've just finished decorating
It was very irritating
And I know they're going to come around tonight
And I know they're going to say to me tonight
It makes the room look bigger
It makes the room look bigger

So let's forget about the open top bus ride
Standing tall on the Town Hall balcony
It's about as likely as hen's teeth
It's about as likely as hen's teeth
And as the light gets dimmer
I watch the chance get slimmer

But I'm putting up a hook to hang my hopes upon
There's a fella coming round to put the gas back on
And if truth be told now that Thelma's gone
It makes the room look bigger

I'm drawn towards the souvenir stalls
I twirl around the keep fob rack
But it's alright for Nicholas and for Neal
Yeah but how do you think that makes me feel
And all the while I can see I'm on the CCTV

Elderly lady at the bus stop thinks I'm going to eat
So to reassure her I ask her for the time
And her sense of relief at my friendly tone
Reveals itself in her karmic moan
You can wait twenty minutes and nothing comes along
Then all of a sudden three thugs rob your pension
Oh there's generally one at twenty five past
There's generally one at twenty five past
They come swinging round that corner
They think they're Benny Goodman

But I'm putting up a hook to hang my hopes upon
There's a fella coming round to put the gas back on
And if truth be told now that Thelma's gone
It makes the room look bigger

Oh tip-toe to the front row of the Korn Show
With a sub-machine gun

Now for notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Benny Goodman Chicago-born jazz clarinetist (and occasional sax) and bandleader. He earned the soubriquet "King of Swing" hence the similarity between him and the buses. Legend has it that when Goodman died in 1986, his obituary on the ITN news was accompanied by a caption featuring an elderly grey bearded white man in a military uniform. When quizzed as to why this had happened, the guy in the stills library replied "I thought you said 'King of Sweden'"...
Tiptoe Through The Tulips was a hit for Tiny Tim in 1968.

Monkey Man adds:

Korn show Californian rockers Korn. Eerily tragic, three years after this EP Single (in August 2006 to be exact) a man was killed at a Korn Show in Atlanta when he asked crowd members not to bump into his pregnant wife and mentally ill child. He was punched and kicked by two men. Hospitalised his life support machine was turned off a couple of days later.