I Went to a Wedding [Saucy Haulage Ballads]

I went to a wedding
Though only the night time
I didn't know them that well
I watched on from the margins
At the dance floor crowded

The DJ adhered to the rule of occasion
Dancing Queen
Shoop Shoop Song
You're the One that I Want
They're the ones that they want

He knew his trade well I could see

And at a table nearby I heard a girl saying
To a tall balding guest
So you're Brad Friedel
I'm mildly impressed

I thought I'd chance my arm
Her reply won my heart
So you're William Pitt
Elder or Younger

And then inexplicably
For reasons unfathomable
But to me wholly admirable
The DJ played us some Tallis

He yanked off the Corrs in disgust and announced Thomas Tallis

Lamentations of Jeremiah

Across an empty dancefloor I walked to commend him
And also enquire if he had any Dowland

The incident passed things got back to normal
At the end of the evening everyone staggered out singing
And they were singing

Oh you can't put your foot up in Europe
You can't show your studs on the 'Nent.
They take a dim view of a slightly raised shoe
So think on if you're up against Ghent
My lad
Think on if you're up against Ghent

Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Dancing Queen Abba.
Shoop Shoop Song or even "It's In His Kiss". Did the rounds of a series of singers before Betty Everett had the hit in 1964. Best known these days for the Cher cover, unfortunately. I'm told the best version (from the early 60's) was by Merry Clayton, who later went on to immortality as the backing vocalist on the Stones' "Gimme Shelter" (ta Ian).
You're The One That I Want The Rock of Travolta and Olivia Tremor Control (limited edition split single).
"So you're Brad Friedel - I'm mildly impressed" cf. Shania Twain: "So you're Brad Pitt - that don't impress me much."
Brad Friedel American goalkeeper with Blackburn Rovers, formerly of Liverpool, Columbus Crew, Galatasaray, Brondby...
William Pitt the Elder (1708-78), the 'Great Commoner', and the first Earl of Chatham. Entered politics in 1735 when he was elected as MP (Whig) for Old Sarum, the family's rotten borough. Climbed through the ranks to Secretary of State in 1756, when the Seven Years' War broke out. Sacked by George II over disagreements about the administration of the war, but then recalled as a coalition PM the following year. Fell out with the new King (George III) and the Earl of Bute, again over the war, and resigned in 1761. Made a comeback, and eventually became a coalition PM again in 1766, albeit as the last option available. Elevated to the peerage at this time, had no control of the Commons as a result, and resigned two years later due to this and his differing view on the American situation (he supported the Americans against the King). Collapsed while speaking in the House of Lords (onto the Duke of Portland) in 1778, and died as a result.
William Pitt the Younger (1759-1806), second (and favourite) son and fourth child of Pitt the Elder. A sickly but precocious child, entered Cambridge at 14 and Parliament (Tory) at 22. Became the youngest ever PM at 24, a post he held for 18 years. His fiscal reform policies went down well, but the war with France declared in 1793 marked the start of years of conflict. In 1798 the Irish revolted against his policies. His solution, the Act of Union 1800, included Catholic emancipation which was rejected by the king. Pitt resigned in protest in 1801. Returned as PM in 1804 to fight Napoleon; the latter's victory at Austerlitz in 1806 is said to have caused Pitt's death.
The Corrs The family band of Dundalk.
Thomas Tallis 16th-century (1505?-85) English composer and organist, composed predominantly for the church for both Protestant and Catholic monarchs.
Lamentations of Jeremiah by Tallis.
(John) Dowland (1563-1626) English or possibly Irish composer and lutenist, failed to get royal patronage (probably because he was a Catholic) so he worked in Denmark until debt brought him home in 1606. Appointed as one of the King's Lutes in 1612, performed at James I's funeral in 1625, and died the following year.
Ghent second biggest city in Flanders (that's Belgium to the rest of us). KAA Gent (Royal Athletics Association Gent) are the first division football team. If you remember Cedric Roussel (Coventry, Wolves), he came from the Buffalos.

Blood on the Quad [Saucy Haulage Ballads]

They looked at my postcode
They asked me to speak
It was then I decide my prospects were bleak
Well it may be through gooks [????] rule
It may be through God
One day there's gonna be
Blood on the quad

Blood on the quad
Blood on the quad
Me in the bell tower
And blood on the quad

They've been punting on the Backs
They've drunk a crate of Becks
Smashed the punts up with an axe
Now they're going to drop their kecks

Well they say not to spoil them by sparing the rod
You'll know I complied when there's
Blood on the quad

Blood on the quad
Blood on the quad
Me in the bell tower
And blood on the quad

Can you hear Talvin Singh
Blood on the quad
Blood on the quad
Me in the bell tower
And blood on the quad

It sounds like a class rant but it's really because
I am the landlord of the pub that gets the cemetary trade

Blood on the quad
Blood on the quad
Me in the bell tower
And blood on the quad

And now the notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Quad The central square in the posher university colleges. Inspector Morse popped his clogs on Exeter College quad, you know.
Becks Bottled beer from Bremen.
Talvin Singh Eastend Asian virtuoso tabla man. Won the Mercury Music prize in 1999.
The ending sounds not unlike the scene at the end of the 1960's Lyndsay Anderson film If..., where Malcolm McDowell's character starts shooting the pupils and staff at his public school.

On Finding the Studio Banjo [Saucy Haulage Ballads]

Unemployment's rising in the Chigley part of town
And it's spreading like pneumonia
Doesn't look like going down
There's trouble at the fire station
Someone's had the sack
And the lad's are going to launch a scheme
To get rid of Captain Flack

Tell PC McGarry to get himself a mate
And arm themselves with CS gas
They're going to be out late

We've had Cant Conformism since 1966
And now subversions in the air
In the shape of flying bricks

Someone get a message through to Captain Snort
That they better start assembling the boys from the fort
And keep Mrs Honeyman right out of sight
'Cos there's going to be a riot down in Trumpton tonight

All this aristocracy has really got to stop
We could overthrow the surgery
And Kidnap Dr Mopp

Then Chippy Minton's Socialists
Could storm the market square
And make plans to assasinate
Our autocratic mayor

Windy Militant leads his Basque-like
Corngrinders to war
With windmill sails and bombs with nails
They smash the Town Hall door
But Snorty and his boys arrive with one big erstwhile crew
Whereupon they bring about a military coup

Someone get a message through to Captain Snort
That they better start assembling the boys from the fort
And keep Mrs Honeyman right out of sight
'Cos there's going to be a riot down in Trumpton tonight

Monkey Man adds:

A 2003 reworking of the 1986 original "Trumpton Riots " the lyrics are taken from the CD "Back in the D.H.S.S. /Trumpton Riots EP

It Makes the Room Look Bigger [Saucy Haulage Ballads]

I've just finished decorating
It was very irritating
And I know they're going to come around tonight
And I know they're going to say to me tonight
It makes the room look bigger
It makes the room look bigger

So let's forget about the open top bus ride
Standing tall on the Town Hall balcony
It's about as likely as hen's teeth
It's about as likely as hen's teeth
And as the light gets dimmer
I watch the chance get slimmer

But I'm putting up a hook to hang my hopes upon
There's a fella coming round to put the gas back on
And if truth be told now that Thelma's gone
It makes the room look bigger

I'm drawn towards the souvenir stalls
I twirl around the keep fob rack
But it's alright for Nicholas and for Neal
Yeah but how do you think that makes me feel
And all the while I can see I'm on the CCTV

Elderly lady at the bus stop thinks I'm going to eat
So to reassure her I ask her for the time
And her sense of relief at my friendly tone
Reveals itself in her karmic moan
You can wait twenty minutes and nothing comes along
Then all of a sudden three thugs rob your pension
Oh there's generally one at twenty five past
There's generally one at twenty five past
They come swinging round that corner
They think they're Benny Goodman

But I'm putting up a hook to hang my hopes upon
There's a fella coming round to put the gas back on
And if truth be told now that Thelma's gone
It makes the room look bigger

Oh tip-toe to the front row of the Korn Show
With a sub-machine gun

Now for notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Benny Goodman Chicago-born jazz clarinetist (and occasional sax) and bandleader. He earned the soubriquet "King of Swing" hence the similarity between him and the buses. Legend has it that when Goodman died in 1986, his obituary on the ITN news was accompanied by a caption featuring an elderly grey bearded white man in a military uniform. When quizzed as to why this had happened, the guy in the stills library replied "I thought you said 'King of Sweden'"...
Tiptoe Through The Tulips was a hit for Tiny Tim in 1968.

Monkey Man adds:

Korn show Californian rockers Korn. Eerily tragic, three years after this EP Single (in August 2006 to be exact) a man was killed at a Korn Show in Atlanta when he asked crowd members not to bump into his pregnant wife and mentally ill child. He was punched and kicked by two men. Hospitalised his life support machine was turned off a couple of days later.

Tending the Wrong Grave for 23 Years [Saucy Haulage Ballads]

A mistake has been made it's a fact they can't hide
Though I'm partly to blame it can not be denied
There ain't no use defending it seems I 've been
Tending the wrong grave for 23 years

A letter dropped on to my doormat one day
And I thought I'll ignore that it might go away
And I took up my shears to the place tha for years
I presumed my sweet darling had lain

Curse those in charge of plots
Curse these forget-me-nots
I've been sharing my inner-most thoughts with an Edward McGray
I'm inconsolable and at times uncontrollable
Ah but she wouldn't know because she's two hundred meters away
Let's complain

On my long weary journey back home I took the less frequented path and
Ended up in the Meadow of Consolation
It was a magical place
I half expected a nymph to appear
Shyly from out of the brake
Some not unexpected sheep from the brushwood
And me dressed as a Dandy in practice for the Summer Eights
Even the glebe cow started to drool
But then almost inevitably Claire Rayner appeared

I'm............
Numb from the sting that I've been tending
The wrong grave for 23 years
I walked up in autumn I ran up in spring
To the wrong grave for 23 years
Oh ding-aling-aling
Now ain't that a thing
The wrong grave for 23 years
The wrong grave for 23 years
The wrong grave for 23 years

And now the notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

glebe cow Cow put out to pasture on church land for the vicar. This is a reference to a Thomas Hardy (yes, him again) WW1 poem, Channel Firing
Summer Eights Rowing, university boat-race style.
Claire Rayner Jounalist, novelist, broadcaster and honorary associate of the National Secular Society. Perhaps "GMTV's agony aunt for the last 23 years" would be more descriptive.

Monkey Man adds:
Brake a thicket, or bracken

Jarg Armani [Saucy Haulage Ballads]

Sleet they keep the meek in doors
Sore feet obstruct them from their chores
Therefore praise the permanent
Fixture in the firmanent
Nations pass yet he remains

Five gas lighters for a pound
Snide rosettes outside the ground
Always comes in through Stranraer
Jarg Armani in the car

When archangels interfere
These things you hitherto held dear
Shall be rendered obsolete
At the dark end of the street
Yet his call still lingers on

Five gas lighters for a pound
Snide rosettes outside the ground
Always comes in through Stranraer
Jarg Armani in the car

Spares for Silverstone
Drum from Amsterdam
Sacks of Candarel
Next door's NTL


And now for the notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Jarg According to Geoff - who is also convinced that everyone will be using it now that Merseyside has invented it - all the kids describe something that's crap or snide as "Jarg".
Armani Giorgio, Italian designer who came to prominence in the 70's, convicted of corruption in the 90's. Don't believe he's any relation to Giuseppe, the sculptor.
Stranraer Scotland's gateway to Ireland, just over the English border (well, sort of) in Dumfries & Galloway. Football team have a habit of residing at the bottom end of the league.
Silverstone Quiet Northamptonshire village (now the bypass is built), invaded every now and then for a grand prix (until Bernie Ecclestone gets his way).
Canderel Low calorie sweetener. "For a healthy balanced lifestyle that tastes as good as sugar".
NTL Cable TV and internet.

Monkey Man adds:

Five lighters for a pound a familar cry from shopping centres and markets. The bloke holding the cardboard tray of disposable gas lighters offers his own alternative to the Retail Price Index and a clue to the disposable income of the average Britain. At their monthly meetings The Bank of England Monetary Committee collate the national trend of "how many lighters to the pound" to determine whether interest rates should change. Just a decade ago it was two lighters for a pound. Oh prosperous Britian. The poor bloke will soon be giving whole trays away for a pound.