What happened there?

Back to Earth.....wow, errr......changes.

I got confused by the whole blogspot/custom hosting issue when I went on blog-sabbatical for several months. Took a sneak look one day and wondered why the GUI had gone pear-shaped. Ignored it for a couple more months then had one of those Eureka!-like moments when a random thought pops into your head and all universal geometry locks into shape like a kindly jigsaw.

Or in my case I realised that I had not renewed the custom url I had (did I really buy one all that time ago?) and so the site was comprimised. Still, should be fixed now. No new lyrics though, just the same old same old.

EE/MM

Everything's A.O.R. [McIntyre, Treadmore and Davitt]

Bubble perm
Ever since your bubble perm
I've gone ex-directory
just in case you need me

Swivelchair
In your leather swivelchair
You can turn your back on me
Leave me in the out-tray

She's the main man in
the office in the city
And she treats me like I'm just another lackey
But I can put a tennis racket up against my face
And pretend that I'm Kendo Nagasaki

Executive
think you're all executive
But I could still upset you with
Milligan and Nesbit

Acumen
Loads of business acumen
But can you remember when
You would die for Flintlock

Mary oh Mary
Quite ordinary
Tell me how does your CD collection grow
With Sade and Whitney
Van Dross and TPau
Everything's AOR

She's the main man in the office in the city
And she treats me like I'm just another lackey
But I can put a tennis racket up against my face
And pretend that I'm Kendo Nagasaki

She's the main man in the office in the city
I remember her when she was reading Jackie
And I can put a tennis racket up against my face
And pretend that I'm Kendo Nagasaki

Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Kendo Nagasaki Pseudo-Japanese wrestler. Always wears a mask, probably to remain anonymous and thus never have to retire.
Millican & Nesbit 1970's two hit wonders. The Singing Miners. I kid you not. Won Opportunity Knocks for about nineteen decades running, probably because they were bribing Hughie Green. Sung sentimental songs about dead miners, pit disasters etc. and were thoroughly appalling.
Flintlock Another awful seventies teenage lust band, one hit, "Dawn" in 1976. A sort of toned-down Bay City Rollers. Really. The drummer out of Flintlock became one of the original Tomorrow People which shows you just how good they really are.
Sade, Whitney (Houston), (Luther) Vandross, T'Pau All too AOR (Adult-orientated rock for the uninitiated)
Jackie Mag for teeny girlies. I think it's a D C Thompson job. No mention of zits, tampax or boys in it.

Girlfriend's Finished With Him [McIntyre, Treadmore and Davitt]

The difference between us and all the other bands
Is that we're different
You can tell by the way we do our interviews
That we are different

Underneath the underlying tones and dizzy melodies
Next to the intelligent guitars
You'll find frailty, beauty,
sex as art and something
or other about dolphins

Parlourmaids, dandelions things ' bout my mind
And a dead girl's soul that lives inside me
And we don't really know what it's meant to be
But it's an absolute depth of intensity
But at the end of the night
when the rider has been ridden
We claim our fee and we get back in the van again

Inspired by no one other groups bore us
How can you say we sound like Frasier Chorus
Cos at the end of the night you claim your poke
You get back in to the Vim Van Hanegan

A Rock-a-Billy Jim from the pub quiz team
Told me something more interesting than your songs ever could

Telly Savalas is set to spearhead
An 'Oi' revival down Whitechapel Way
Telly Savalas is set to spearhead
An ‘Oi' revival down Whitechapel Way

Alt Television is set to spearhead
An ‘Oi' revival down Whitechapel Way

Who loves yer Costermonger?

Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

The Frazier Chorus British pop band, '89-'91-ish. "Dream Kitchen" was probably their 'best' known song
Wim Van Hanegem Dutch footballer
Telly Savalas Baldy actor, Kojak catchphrase "Who love's ya, baby" Should be remembered for playing the platoon sergeant in almost every sixties war film, not Kojak [if you are a sad film buff - PJF]. Oh and he also did a terrible rendition of "If (a picture paints a thousand words)".
Oi! revival Oi! was 80's skinhead music with unsavoury reputation for racism
costermongers Can be found in Whitechapel. Apparently relates to a bald Liverpool market trader (i.e. a costermonger). I believe he was quite well-known in his time, but may have retired/moved/died by now.

Our Tune [McIntyre, Treadmore and Davitt]

Said you'd find me helpless on the A47
Shouting at the passers-by that Alan Brazil
Seems to be the singer in The Goombay Dance Band
And now you want to put me in the ambulance
But I don't want to go in the ambulance

I asked if you would like to go along to
see The Rocky Horror Picture Show
You said you'd love to so I murdered your family
Cause I hate The Rocky Horror Picture Show
And besides I'm going browsing round hardware shops

You'll find me dying casually on the 14th fairway
Trying in vain to wave a fore ball through
I'll understand if you shouldwalk straight past me
Ideally though I hope you call an ambulance

Unless of course you're
Sampling Alessi at St. Neots
Or chasing Bunty James round Hilton Park
Oh Oh Lori at St. Neots
Is this me or is this Dead Shot Keen?

Hello this is Joanie
This plectrum once belonged to you know who
Grocer Jack Grocer Jack
Get off your back go into town

Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Our Tune was a stomach churning spot on Radio 1, Simon Bates' programme. Now not there. Boo hoo. "and the baby died. So let's play The Power Of Love..."
A47 Road that runs from Leicester to Great Yarmouth, passing by/through such East Anglian delights as Wisbech, Kings Lynn, Swaffham and Norwich. As well as bloody Peterborough United.
Alan Brazil Ex Ipswich, Spurs & Man. Utd. striker. Appears in slightly more portly guise these days on Sky Sports.
Rocky Horror Picture Show Musical film/play about transvestite aliens by Richard O'Brien, who went on to do C4 Crystal maze.
Goombay Dance Band Had a no1 disco hit with "Seven Tears". Utter crap.
"Sampling Alessi in St. Neots" Alessi were a US pop duo (twins). St. Neots is a town in Cambridgeshire, where Greene King apparently have a monopoly on the pubs. Scary.
Bunty James One of the presenters of "How!" Not as useless as Fred Dinenage, not as old as Jack Hargreaves (RIP!), and not as dull as the guy who was professor of mechanical engineering at Southampton University whose name I can't remember (Jon Miller, actually). I can't forgive them for bringing HOW back.
Hilton Park M6 Service station or perhaps Leigh Rugby League ground.
"Oh Oh Lori in St. Neots" Oh Lori was a/the Alessi hit.
Dead-Shot Keen Striker from a footy comic, owner of quality footwear.
"Hello, This is Joanie" From a song by Paul Evans in 1978, title the same with "(The Telephone Answering Machine Song)" at the end. It must be American if they need to have it explained that it is an answering machine.
Grocer Jack From a 60s song called "Excerpt from a Teenage Opera" by Keith West.

A Lilac Harry Quinn [McIntyre, Treadmore and Davitt]

In this sumptuous hacienda
Where I weigh things up
As they're on the way down
From beneath your Reverend Jim Jones bedspread
I watch the angels look down onto your sweet brow

If God had meant for us to work
Then I'm sure he would've given us jobs
Six weeks to live but at least
I'm not in Journey
Sign on you crazy diamond

It didn't take much time convincing her
"Baby I'm from the Wirral Peninsula
A merciless despot with nothing to lose
In my Dick Quax running shoes"

Underneath the shade of the average tree where
They handed out mediocrity
I saw you with Alchemy under your arm
Standing in the middle of a long queue

I saw the Goodyear Airship sail over your head
I saw the joke I told you fly over your head

Why don't they have any Badminton Courts in the jungle?
Because there isn't the demand
Oh let me take you by the hand

Sturmey-Archer Capagnolo
Sturmey-Archer Capagnolo
on my mind

Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk Harry Quinn A type of bike. HQ had a cycle shop in Liverpool (Harry Quinn Cycles, strangely enough). Reverend Jim Jones was leader of the religious cult whose members (977 of them) committed mass suicide in Guyana in about 1979. They all died at Jonestown. Journey Why don't these MOR bands ever get run over by a big lorry? "Sign on you Crazy Diamond" Pink Floyd reference. Wirral Peninsula The posh bit next to Liverpool, separated by the Mersey. Well, as posh as it gets around there. HMHB come from there. Alchemy Dire Straits double live album. Goodyear airship duuuh, an... airship... with.... Goodyear written on it. Presumably if people see an airship in the sky they will buy more tyres. Or something like that. The average tree A line from Waltzing Matilda goes "Underneath the shade of the coolibah tree" Maybe something more specific. Dick Quax Mid 70's New Zealand middle distance runner. 5000m silver medal at 1976 Olympics, set world records at distances from 1500m to the marathon. Sturmey-Archer el-cheapo British three-speed [also 5] hub bike gears as found on sit-up-and-beg Raleighs and the like. Also the likes of the Chopper and Grifter. They are neat bits of engineering, but all of the cogs in the hub make them a bit inefficient. They are safer than external (derailleur) gears as you can't wrap the hub around your spokes. Campagnolo Italian bicycle components, built like a Ferrari gearbox, and dead expensive. Kids with Campagnolos were richer than kids with Sturmey Archers. The rear axle of my spare wheel is a 7-speed Campagnolo Corsa Record. My only claim to having a top of the range component on my bike (and even then, only when I'm using my spare wheel). I try to avoid Shimano, but it isn't easy.

Hedley Verityesque [McIntyre, Treadmore and Davitt]

Found a nice little cove where nobody else goes
Took a trip 'round the caves at Drac and said
"It's good to explore the more cultural aspects"

Hedley Verityesque
she passed into folklore
Trod on lines in the pavement and said
"There's no room for enigmas in built up areas"

Sweats who think they're hard
My head no end do in

Brakes fail in the rain
Down Memory Lane
Come relive my paper round with me

But I don't see any more
pent up Alsatians
They used to wait by the door and say
"It's nice to know you're here
It's nice to know you're here"

But I don't want anymore
stark German film noirs
And I could well do without
The hand-clapping sequence at the end of Blockbusters

You were in my hall
Now you're on my wall
Peter Sarstedt Mr Irony
Get in the hole
In some warm lagoon
I'll be with Aysha soon
Brakes fail in the rain

Down Memory Lane
Come relive my paper round with me
But I don't see any more
big mad Alsatians
They used to wait by the door and sing
"It's nice to know you're here
It's nice to know you're here"

And I don't need any more stark German film noirs
And I could well do without
The hand-clapping sequence at the end of Blockbusters
Where all of the audience try to convince themselves that what
they are doing is silly but acceptable
and the only thing I can say is
"Oh Kip Keino"

Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Hedley Verity Yorkshire left-arm spinner, died in the Second World War. Famed for the least expensive ten wicket analysis in first-class cricket against Notts in 1932: 19.4-16-10-10, ending the innings with 7 wickets in 15 balls. So now you know. He also took 144 wickets for England at around 24 apiece.
Caves of Drac Caves on the east coast of Majorca, away from the mass of pissed teenagers on heat.
"Sweats who think they're hard, my head no end do in" Sweats being cockney rhyming slang for Scots persons (sweats = sweaty socks = jocks). Many of who think a good night out consists of drinking 2 gallons of beer until 3am and then getting into a brawl. Except those from Edinburgh of course.
pent-up alsatians… often found on the sort of council estates that look like Beirut with Morris Marinas. You know the sort of places, all the men are wandering around with four-packs of cheap lager wearing their vests, the women are all no tights, cellulite and white stilettos, kids with crew cuts and a satellite dish on every house. AAAAAAArgh.
…who sing "It's nice to know you're here…"another footy song, sung by home fans to the away fans: "It's nice to know you're 'ere, it's nice to know you're 'ere, it's nice to know you're 'ere, F*CK OFF!", to the tune of "On Ilkley Moor bar t'at".
stark German film noirs Not enough of them on the telly, I think. [Well, maybe too many - PJF]
Blockbusters Schoolkids quiz show "Can we have a pee Bob?"
Peter Sarstedt 60's (maybe 70's) singer of the dreadful "Where do you go to my lovely" Only other hit was "Frozen Orange Juice", the follow-up. And pseudo-sophisticated drivel "I want to get inside your head". I can't bear to say any more apart from the fact that I think he's still alive. Robin Sarstedt ("My Resistance is Low") was his brother, as was Eden Kane.
Ayshea [Brough] An Anglo-Asian woman who had her own TV show on ITV at 4.20 one week-day in the 70's called "Lift Off With Ayshea". It was basically a pop programme.
Kip Keino A long distance runner from Kenya in the 70's. His son is a bit of a star runner these days.

Let's Not [McIntyre, Dreadmore and Davitt]

Me and my motor neurone
We just want to be on our own
Without Ian ‘Sludge' Lees

Let's not go out tonight
There's a great film on tonight
About a couple on a caravan holiday
With Peter Grummitas an acid casualty
It's set in Norfolk and it's called
"Godzilla eats Diss"

Don't know much about the Highway Code
And I've never read 'On The Road'
I don't read I just memorise names
So I can stagger through bohemian games

And I'm going nowhere really slow
The last man who went to mow- oh

Come on into my world
Where everything is done without Carla Lane
Come into my world where Vanburn Holder
joins a local grindcore outfit

All my dreams are nondescript
In nothing-much-next-to-sea
I saw Jesus but he didn't see me
If looks could kill I'd be alright
Oh let there be light

Come on into my world
Where everything is done without Carla Lane
Come on into my world
Where Vanburn Holder
joins a local grindcore outfit

Come on into my world (x4)

Where Vanburn Holder
joins a local grindcore outfit
Where everything is done without Carla Lane
A world in which Grant Baynham
burns in front of his children

Come on into my world
Come on into my world

Where everything is done without Carta Lane

Come on into my world
Where Vanburn Holder joins
a local grindcore outfit

Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

motor neurone as immortalized in Motor Neurone Disease which is what killed David Niven you know!
Ian "Sludge" Lees A terrible comic who appeared on "Tiswas" several times, with huge Afro hairdo.
Peter Grummit Well travelled 70's goalie, played for Sheff Wed and Grimsby Town amongst others.
Diss Norfolk town (on the A47, no less). Their footy team won the FA Vase in the not-too-distant past.
Highway Code a wish-fulfilment statement by the Department of Transport.
On The Road Hip novel about taking drugs and driving around the USA in the 50's, by Jack Kerouac.
"... man who went to mow" from nursery rhyme/song "One man and his dog".
Carla Lane Once upon a time a housewife from Liverpool started writing sit-coms. She wrote The Liver Birds, which was patchy but had its moments (see I Hate Nerys Hughes). She wrote Butterflies which was drippy but quite funny. Then she wrote sentimental and unfunny todge like Solo, Screaming, The Mistress and particularly the appallingly unfunny Bread and the frankly shite Luv.
Vanburn Holder Mid-70's West Indian medium-fast bowler, now an umpire.
Grant Baynham Bespectacled presenter of That's Life for 4 years.
Nothing-much-next-the-Sea Play on Wells-next-the-sea, Clay-next-the-sea, Norfolk seaside resorts. Probably highly descriptive of the places.

Christian Rock Concert [McIntyre, Treadmore and Davitt]

And at the post-fest lig I saw
Ten thousand people maybe more
I said that I was from Kerrang
I steamed into the throng and sang

Get thee behind me Stryper
I've played your records backwards
I've seen your antics in the Green Room

Into the main marquee I walked
The coke was coke
and the tongue was forked
the Rural Dean lay inert
In his John 3:16 tee-shirt

Get thee behind me Stryper
I've played your records backwards
I've seen your antics in the Green Room

The body of Shane Fenton
is in the laundry chute of the
New Ambassadors Hotel
near Euston Station

Get thee behind me Stryper
I've played your records backwards
I've seen your antics in the Green Room

Then after the fire we're a mess on the floor
Drunk in a tented village
The Grand Leviathan of the white wedding scene
Drunk in a tented village
Wendy Wimbush on a Space Hopper was
Drunk in a tented village

All things bright and beautiful
We're drunk in a tented village

Notes from www.hmhb.co.uk ...I saw, 10,000 people maybe more... :from Sounds of Silence, Simon & Garfunkel, some of their earlier songs had religious overtones. Kerrang! Magazine for those who think Ozzy Osborne is an intellectual. Stryper A god squad rock band "Her rural Dean lay inert, in his John 3:16 T-Shirt" Rural Dean Clergyman exercising supervision over group of parochial clergy within division of archdeaconry, apparently due thanks to COD); John 3:16 One of the most famous verses of the bible. If you ever watch ski-ing, or bobsleighing from European snow, you ALWAYS see people wearing them, often banners at footie matches contain it too. The verse reads For God so loved the world that he gave his only son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. See also below... played your records backwards Satanic references in rock records etc. The Green Room Multiple meanings here. The hospitality room where guests prepare (get wasted) before telly interviews is called The Green Room. However, it is also the title of White Metal's (another Christian Rock band) fan magazine. John 3:16 may well be one of their album titles as they named them after verses in the bible. They also stopped the God Squad stuff eventually and became merely a normal rock band. Great. Wendy Wimbush Scorer for BBC cricket spacehopper a big orange inflatable ball thing with two horns/ears which you grabbed and bounced up and down on. Honestly. Can usually be found in attics, sheds, somewhere at the bottom of the garden. Very 1972-ish. Victor Lewis-Smith claims that spacehoppers influenced his sexual technique. Backwards bit says "The body of Shane Fenton is in the laundry chute of the New Ambassador's hotel near Euston Station" or something similar. Shane Fenton (or is that Notnef Enahs?) is of course legendary 70's glamster Alvin Stardust, the Gary Glitter lookalike who initially appeared in "Hollyoaks" on C4 and can now (3/97) be seen advertising lottery scratchcards.

Prag Vec at the Melkweg [McIntyre, Treadmore and Davitt]

In the town where I was born
Lived a man who went to work
And he told us of his life
Building spaceships on £40 a week

And he'd take us all for rides
And we'd do some serious drugs in
Onboard the Enterprise Allowance
We could do whatever we liked

We would go to a Meadowlark Lemon seminar
Be at the Tony Monopoly incident
Sort a strobe for Connie Plank
Shop around with Johnny Kwango

If you would come with me to Dawlish
I'd be like Stadler's caddy for ya

And we would return in time for tea
And our Dad's would not have inklings
We said we'd been to organise a Frisbee competition
With the gypsies down the road

Do you want to swap a hundred spandex overcoats
For the mental age of a haversack
It's been like this since we saw
Prag Vec at the Melkweg

Oh I doctored my edible thong with Listeria
My only hope is that your offspring walks backwards
And just as I expected the shopkeeper appeared
And then the band began to play


Notes from www.hmhb.co.uk Prag Vec Actually written "pragVEC"; London-based band fronted by Susan Gogan, and the first home of Jim Thirlwell (Foetus etc). Never played the Melkweg. Reissues coming soon (as of 01/01). Melkweg Nightclub in Amsterdam, literally the "Milky Way". Starts off like Beatles "Yellow Submarine" forty pounds a week -- enterprise allowance money. Meadowlark Lemon was the leader of the Harlem Globetrotters basketball team. Tony Monopoly Singer who won Opportunity Knocks hundreds of times in the 70's, thereby demonstrating the vacuum at the heart of Britain's popular culture. Connie Plank Famous German (male) record producer. Johnny Kwango Wrestler (or is that actor?, could never tell). Had a "jungle" theme. Dawlish Boring English seaside town on the South Devon coast. [Craig] Stadler Golfer. listeria popular variety of food poisoning caused by eating Edwina Currie. Just as I expected, the shopkeeper appeared From kids TV program Mr. Benn.

Outbreak of Vitus Gerulaitis [McIntyre, Treadmore and Davitt]

Tedius people tiresome town
Under the gaze of the mayoral frown
Always calm with a gentle breeze
Tarkus in black vinyl please

But what would you do
If the sexton's wife from the best kept village nearby
Came running with bells round her neck
And says you better move away tomorrow or today
'Cos when the owl starts laughing
You will all fall down
There's an outbreak of Vetus Gerulaitis on the way

Why it's Mr Kowalski
It was you all along
That ski lodge would have been mine
If it wasn't for you meddling kids

But what can you do
When your mum's in Rampton bouncing off the walls and singing
Who's afraid of Virginia Wade
Why do that today when you can always put it off until tomorrow
Was our motto

Subsequently engraved on a plaque
As a reminder of the attack
Of Vetus Gerulaitis

We all fall down
We all fall down
We all fall down
We all fall down

Who's afraid of Virginia Wade
Of Viriginia Wade
Who's afraid of Virginia Wade

An outbreak of Vetus Gerulaitis in the town
In the town
In the town
In the town
We all fall down


Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk Vitas Gerulaitis Tennis player with a name that sounds like a venereal disease. Deceased via dodgy air conditioning/heating arrangement. Tarkus An LP by ELP. Dreadful stuff. sexton minor lay official of the church, usually some old git. I think the sexton has something to do with bells, but frankly I give nary a tinker's cuss. Kowalski Judging by later LP titles, likely to be a name borrowed from Del Monroe's character in "Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sea". Although it could be a reference to Mr Brando opposite Ms Leigh in "A Streetcar Called Desire". ski lodge ... meddling kids Kowalski would make a good name for a "Scooby Doo" baddie. In the inestimably brilliant cartoon series, the villain always had a Polish name and with the aid of a rubber mask and a projector managed to scare off all other people trying to own the ski lodge/fun fair/mine/mansion. In the startling denouement, the gang from the Mystery Machine would unmask him and he would usually say something along the lines of "that ski lodge would have been mine if it wasn't for you meddling kids". Ou sont les nieges d'antan? Virginia Wade Nasal-voiced English tennis player, coincidental winner of Wimbledon ladies championship in 1977, year of the Silver Jubilee. Virginia Woolf was an abused-as-a-child lesbian novelist who wrote classic though rather dull books. "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf" is over-rated crap which I think starred Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. Rampton High security mental hospital.

Mate of the Bloke [Achtung Bono]

Beware of the man who only shows you the best bits
Beware of the band who type out their set lists
Sometimes instead of Arthur Lee
I'd much prefer some Arthur Lowe

And with you by my side
I would aspire to ascend
Such heights where we would find
Tears and laughter cease to matter
And we'd be pleasantly surprised
By our annual water bill

I'm an early 'til late indispensible mate
Of the bloke who does the PA
I can lend or affend
I can mend or befriend
As I help to set up the PA
As I help to set up the PA

I found myself being sued
By the firm More O'Ferrall
I'd sprayed a graffito on to
One of their hoardings

It was for Monsters of Rock
And I'd sprayed 'in church hall if wet'

It was sealing my fate when I said
But I'm a mate of the bloke who does the PA
And the magistrate he was a mate of a mate
Of the bloke who sets up the PA
Of the bloke who sets up the PA
So throw it out of court

I'm a mate of the bloke
I'm a mate of the bloke
I'm a mate of the bloke
I'm a mate of the bloke
I'm a mate of the bloke
I'm a mate of the bloke
I'm a mate of the bloke
I'm a mate of the bloke

Etc....

I'm lost without an inside pocket
I'm lost without an inside pocket
I can find my way home from Sierra Leone
But I'm lost without an inside pocket
I'm lost without an inside pocket
I'm lost
Without an inside pocket


Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Arthur Lee lead singer with Love (Forever Changes etc). Was back playing live again until recently, until his death (late 2006) prevented him.
Arthur Lowe Captain George Mainwaring from "Dad's Army" (1968-77), Leonard Swindley in "Coronation Street" (1960-65).
More O'Ferrall UK billboard company, now rebranded as Clear Channel.
Monsters Of Rock Er, a rock festival held at Donnington.
Sierra Leone on the west coast of Africa, surrounded by Guinea and Liberia. The 1991-2002 civil war between the government and the Revolutionary United Front (RUF) resulted in tens of thousands of deaths and the displacement of more than 2 million people (about one-third of the population), many of whom are now refugees in neighbouring countries.

Joy Division Oven Gloves [Achtung Bono]

Well the dish is too hot
you'll never guess what
I've got Joy Division oven gloves
If it's her desire
I'll put my fingers in the fire
'Cos I've got Joy Division oven gloves
I've got Joy Division oven gloves

Ooh ooh tropical diseases
Ooh ooh chemical alarm
Ooh ooh I'm a little blasé
In me Joy Division oven gloves
In me Joy Division oven gloves

I've been here and I've been there
In me Joy Division oven gloves
I''ve been to a post-punk Postcard fair
In me Joy Division oven gloves
Ooh ooh Nagasaki towpath
Ooh ooh tickling the laird
Ooh ooh checking out the Quantocks
In me Joy Division oven gloves
In me Joy Division oven gloves

On a sinking ship a sailor yearns
For his Joy Division oven gloves
Nero fiddles while Gordon Burns
In his Joy Division oven gloves
Talk to the hands, talk to the hands
In his Joy Division oven gloves
Dance dance dance dance
In your Joy Division oven gloves

Ooh ooh piccalilli shinpads
Ooh ooh polishing the nave
I keep wicket for the Quakers
In me Joy Division oven gloves [repeat]

My grandfather's clock was too tall for the shelf
So I sold it and opened up a stall
Selling Joy Division oven gloves
We got Joy Division oven gloves
Get your Joy Division oven gloves
Hallelujah


Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Joy Division Seminal Manchester post-punk band from the late 70's/early 80's.
Quantocks Hills in Somerset, not too far from Bridgwater.
"Nero fiddles while Gordon burns" a recreation of "Nero fiddles while Rome burns". Which is unlikely, since the violin hadn't been invented at the time (AD64).
Nero known as a bit of a bastard at times, but unlikely to be the Rome arsonist, as he wasn't there at the time. Angered the Christians by building himself a huge palace on the ruins.
Gordon Burns presented The Krypton Factor on ITV for years, now the anchorman for the Northwest Tonight news programme.
"talk to the hands" 'cos the face ain't listening...
"dance, dance, dance" from Joy Division's "Transmission".
Quakers The Religious Society of Friends, whose faith springs from the experience that each one of us can have a direct relationship with the Divine.
My Grandfather's Clock is a traditional song, the original starts "My grandfather's clock was too tall for the shelf, so it stood ninety years on the floor...". The melody is as recited by Nigel. The clock which inspired the song can apparently still be seen at the George Hotel, Piercebridge, County Durham.

MM adds: thanks to Brian for pointing me towards this -

Postcard Records a late Seventies early Eighties Scottish punk record label housing Orange Juice, Josef K and Aztec Camera. Collectable stuff now.

Upon Westminster Bridge [Achtung Bono]

Same old Hampstead
Ken Hom wok set
Dead Sea bath salts
Jog proof iPod
Iron age hill fort
Long term roadworks
High tide bird watch
B & Q Homebase

If Jesus came to Earth today
They've crucify him straight way
Upon a cross of MDF
And they'd use No Need For Nails

Ship-shape farmhouse
Dry stone wall chart
Cashback foot spa
Straight down Ladbrokes
Low cost school trip
Ramraid Oxfam
Christ that sun's hot
Yes that's right sir

Oh help me Mrs Meddlicot
I don't know what to do
I've only got three bullets
And there's four of Motley Crue

Spoiling Good Friday my ex-love sent to me
Twelve drummers singing
Eleven chairmain dancing
Ten mascots whinging
Nine stewards flapping
Eight christening invites
Seven cows a barking
Six vicars strumming
Nick fucking Knowles
Four boring words
Carphone Warehouse and Matalan
And a pulled up at Bangor-on-Dee

I'm driving backwards at peak hour
Along the Edgeware Road.

Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Upon Westminster Bridge is a poem by William Wordsworth, September 3, 1802.
Hampstead famous for the heath - "The Lungs Of London".
Ken Hom Oriental cook.
Dead Sea the lowest exposed point on the Earth's surface (1369ft below sea level), on the border between the West Bank, Israel, and Jordan on the Jordan Rift Valley. The endorheic body of water is the deepest hypersaline lake in the world, 76km long, up to 18km wide and 400m deep at its deepest point.
iPod Apple's 'pocket-sized ultralight hard-drive based device', i.e. MP3 player.
B&Q, Homebase where paintballers go on their weekends off.
"No Need For Nails" Not sure this actually exists - I only know of "No More Nails" and "Hard As Nails". Whatever, a solvent adhesive.
Ladbrokes bookies.
Motley Crue Poodle metal band from the 80's, still going. Vince Neil, Tommy Lee and Nikki Sixx get the bullets from me.
The guitar solo sounds uncannily like Woody Guthrie's This Land Is Your Land.
The next bit is obviously to the tune of The Twelve Days Of Christmas.
Nick Knowles host of BBC's DIY SOS.
Carphone Warehouse mobile phones.
Matalan low cost clothes and home store.
"...and a pulled-up at Bangor-on-Dee" i.e. a non-finisher at the racecourse, which is situated near Wrexham.
I'm driving backwards at peak hour... inspired by Spike Milligan's ballad I'm Walking Backwards For Christmas, first broadcast on the Goon Show in 1956 in the The Great Tuscan Salami Scandal episode (see where Banzai got their ideas from). Milligan sang this to fill in due a musician's strike at the time.
Edgware Road London street on the Bakerloo line between Paddington and Marylebone stations.

Surging Out of Convalescence [Achtung Bono]

Darts in soap operas
Oh so wrong oh so wrong
No one scoring and there's
Too much chat between each throw

Worse than this though is when
Cheers are raised up for a bull
Granted, bull's a double and an out
But I know that they don't know
Therefore I propose no soap darts

Is your child hyperactive or is he perhaps a twat
Sometimes I like to watch wave rage down at Fistral beach
Last Ash Wednesday I had tantric sex and it was shit
Next Ash Wednesday I might strive to lick my elbow
Try in vain
For they say
Few succeed

I wrote to the Horse & Hound
To gloat over what I'd done
I'd stored their magazine
In a data retrieval system
Well let's face it what are they going to do
It's not as if they know where I live
And anyway I cut the caper back in 1984

Oh broken matrons! Oh joyless beds!
For those whose souls the iron has entered

And if I get to Heaven's Gate
I'll doubtless have to wait
While St Peter investigates
The inevitable asterisk

The inside of a Halex 3-star table tennis ball
Smells much like you'd expect it to


Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Fistral The main surfing beach in Newquay (Cornwall). Too many pikeys these days.
Horse and Hound "The equestrian world's only news weekly".
...stored their magazine in a data-retrieval system It was a common copyright warning on magazines such as "The contents of this magazine, either in whole or part, may not be reproduced, stored in a data retrieval system...blah, blah, blah." In 1984, of course, few people had access to such a system.
Halex 3-star Table-tennis ball - The cream of ping-pong balls.

Shit Arm, Bad Tattoo [Achtung Bono]

I could have put my head in a bucketful of porridge
And moaned about the hospital parking scheme
I would have saved fourteen pound that I've just splashed out
On your second album
For that's what's it akin to
And further more

You've got a shit arm and that's a bad tattoo
You've got a shit arm and that's a bad tattoo

If your going to quote from the Book of Revelation
Don't keep calling it the Book of Revelations
There's no "S"
It's the Book of Revelation
As revealed to St John the Devine
See also Mary Hopkin
She must despair

You've got a shit arm and that's a bad tattoo
You've got a shit arm and that's a bad tattoo
Authentic Celtic band

Advent in the High Street
I point and sing
Busk when it's Christmas
You only busk when it's Christmas

And you've got a shit arm and that's a bad tattoo
You've got a shit arm and that's a bad tattoo

Shit arm bad tattoo
Shit arm bad tattoo
Shit arm bad tattoo
(you've got a)
Shit arm bad tattoo

Oh well you've got a shit arm
And that's a bad tattoo


Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

See the front cover of The Libertines' self-titled second album.
...quote from the Book Of Revelations... refers to The Libertines' What A Waster single from 2002 - offending lyrics are "When she wakes up in the morning, she writes down all her dreams, reads like the Book of Revelations, or the Beano or the unabridged Ulysses.". Splendid.
Book Of Revelation Fairly impenetrable. The Revelation is lavish in colourful descriptions of the visions which proclaim for us the Last Days before Christ’s return and the ushering in of the new Heaven and new earth. The Revelation reveals the series of devastations poured out upon the earth; the mark of the beast, “666”; the climatic battle of Armageddon; the binding of Satan; the reign of the Lord; the Great White Throne Judgment; and the nature of the eternal city of God. Prophecies concerning Jesus Christ are fulfilled and a concluding call to His Lordship assures us that He will soon return.
St John The Divine had a Revelation in the above.
Mary Hopkin Welsh warbler who won Opportunity Knocks on ten consecutive occasions, and subsequently knocked the Beatles' Hey Jude off the no.1 spot with Those Were The Days after Paul McCartney had signed her to Apple. I prefer the Wedding Present's version of the Ukrainian/Russian folk song meself.
"you only busk when it's Christmas" based on the football chant "You only sing when you're winning" which in turn is a rewording of the Cuban patriotic song Guantanamera ("The girl from Guantanamo").

For What is Chatteris... [Achtung Bono]

One way system smooth and commendable
Go by bus they're highly dependable
The swings in the park for kids have won awards
The clean streets acknowledged in the Lords

But what's a park if you can't see a Linnet
A timetable if your journey is infinite
My bag's packed and I'm leaving in a minute
For what is Chatteris without you in it

Car crime's low the gun crime's lower
The Town Hall band cd it's a grower
You never hear of folk getting knocked on the bonce
Although there was a drive-by shouting once

But there's a brass band everywhere
And I don't drive so I don't care
And as the nightingale sang in Berkeley Square
What's Chatteris if your not there

Like a game bird reserve short on pheasants
Weaver's cottages devoid of tenants
A market town that lacks quintescence
That's Chatteris without your presence

Three good butchers
Two fine chandlers
An indoor pool
And a first class cake shop
Ofsted plaudits
Envy of the Fens
Crick barriers at both ends

But what's Chatteris if your not there
What's Chatteris if your not there [repeat]

I may as well be in Ely or St Ives


Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Chatteris is in Cambridgeshire, roughly 7 miles from March, and roughly 20 miles from Cambridge.
A Nightingale Sang In Berkeley Square popular British song, tune by Manning Sherwin (1915), lyrics by Eric Maschwitz, first published in 1940, originally performed by Ray Noble, and made famous in the same year by Vera Lynn. Also performed by Nat King Cole, Glenn Miller, Harry Connick Jr. and Sonny Rollins. A famous version by The Manhattan Transfer won a Grammy in 1981 for its arranger, Gene Puerling. I won't mention the movie of the same name from 1979.
Berkeley Square is a town square in the West End of London in the City of Westminster, originally laid out in the mid 18th century by architect William Kent. It is named after the noble Gloucestershire family of the same name whose London home, Berkeley House, had stood nearby until 1733.
Ofsted Office for Standards in Education.
Fens Area of England that fans out from the Wash across Cambridgeshire, Lincolnshire and West Norfolk. Once an inhospitable swampy wilderness, now a network of waterways for holidaymakers to crash their barges on.
Prick barriers A traffic-calming device of particular abundance in the Fens. I can't speak for Chatteris, but nearby Gamlingay certainly has them, at both ends no less. They're somewhat like a chicane but more Z-shaped than hourglass-shaped and the purpose is to allow traffic through from one direction at a time.
Ely Cathedral city in Cambridgeshire, founded in 673 when Princess Etheldreda, daughter of the Anglo-Saxon King Anna adopted Christianity and formed a Coven/Convent one mile north of the Saxon village of Cratendune, an act that later ensured her elevation to Saint Etheldreda. Far more important, of course, for that famous night in Paris 1973 when Ely made the whole of Britain proud by winning the Grand Final of It's A Knockout / Jeux Sans Frontières.
St. Ives in Cambridgeshire, which is actually the ancient town of Slepe in the old county of Huntingdonshire. This ancient riverside market town is now named after the Persian Bishop, St. Ivo. St. Ives stands on the River Great Ouse and is world famous for the Chapel on the Bridge.

Monkey Man adds:

Linnet a type of bird

Corgi Registered Friends [Achtung Bono]

In the kingdom of the blind
It's said the one-eyed man is king
And in the kingdom of the bland
It's nine o'clock on ITV

I believe I've seen holograms
With more substance than you
Automatic doors don't open for you

"C" "O" "R" "G" "I"
Corgi registered friends
"C" "O" "R" "G" "I"
Corgi registered friends
Meet up on a Monday with your
Corgi registered friends

You call Glastonbury Glasto
You'd like to go there one day
When they've put up the gun towers
To keep the hippies away

December sees Kitzbuhel
Clad in Low Alpine
Your children are painfully souless
Ralph's in Brize Norton

"C" "O" "R" "G" "I"
Corgi registered friends
"C" "O" "R" "G" "I"
Corgi registered friends
You do your Del Boy impressions with your
Corgi registered friends

For sale gym equipment
And now your jeans are too tight
Amanda Burton on auto pilot
Is all you need each night

I wear a tolerance robe
I have the patience of Job
But when I hear of your wife's silling giggling
At Ann Summers parties

"C" "O" "R" "G" "I"
Corgi registered friends
"C" "O" "R" "G" "I"
Corgi registered friends
You got to medieval banquets with your
Corgi registered friends

Stick this in your Volvo glove compartment


Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

CORGI Council for Registered Gas Installers, the national watchdog for gas safety in the United Kingdom.
"In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is king." is a quote from the 15th century philosopher Erasmus. Or in other words, if all else around you were ignorant than even a little knowledge would make you significant in that community.
Kitzbühel Skiing (and golfing) location in the Alps.
Lowe Alpine make walking gear.
Brize Norton RAF base in Oxfordshire, between Witney and Carterton.
Del Boy Mr Jason's character from Only Fools And Horses.
Amanda Burton Dr Sam Ryan in Silent Witness these days, but forever Heather Haversham/Huntingdon/Black in Brookside in the mid-eighties to me.
Job Another chap with a Book in the Old Testament (there's a joke here somewhere about the Book of Jobs). Basically, Job loses his family, his wealth, and his health. Job's three friends, Eliphaz, Bildad and Zophar, come to comfort him and to discuss his crushing series of tragedies. They insist his suffering is punishment for sin in his life. Job, though, remains devoted to God through all of this and contends that his life has not been one of sin. A fourth man, Elihu, tells Job he needs to humble himself and submit to God's use of trials to purify his life. Finally, Job questions God Himself and learns valuable lessons about the sovereignty of God and his need to totally trust in the Lord. Job is then restored to health, happiness and prosperity beyond his earlier state. I'd have stayed in the pub meself.
Ann Summers Sex toys and the rest.

Restless Legs [Achtung Bono]

There she lies in here fleecy gown
By my side in the eiderdown
But she can't get a ticket to Morningtown
As I've got restless legs

Boring though this fool may be
Slumber still won't visit me
As long as you stay next to me
For I have restless legs

Milky drink of Sudafed
That should sort you out she said
As I kicked myself clean out of the bed
Grazed my restless legs

Homepathic cures I've sought
All in all they've come to naught
I wish it was some astronaut
Who had these restless legs

Four oh six and I'm wide awake
I've got an uncontrollable urge to take
A five mile hike around the Ogwen Lake
Stretch these restless legs

No sympathy from Uncle Greg
Nor indeed from Aunty Meg
Thank God I'm not Jake the Peg
With an extra restless leg

So come the day when I don't exist
And worms are flying through the graveyard mist
Don't go bothering the exorcist
It's just my restless legs


Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

(ticket to) Morningtown Morningtown Ride was written by Malvina Reynolds, and was first released by The Limeliters in 1962. The Seekers version from 1966 is probably the most famous version.
Sudafed Decongestant medicine for catarrh and sinus congestion.
Ogwen Lake Popular tourist and angler destination in North Wales, on the A5 four miles from the village of Bethesda. Read more about it here.
Jake The Peg Rolf Harris song and character, with a 50% bonus in the leg department.

We Built This Village On A Trad.Arr. Tune [Achtung Bono]

And the scout hut debate still rages on
The most dangerous junction in Christendom
And Cathy ???? fourth milk bank opens soon

And yonder the deacon in misguided trousers
Yonder the deacon in misguided trousers

We built this village on a Trad.Arr. tune [repeat]

Ma ma maroon was the colour of my true loves' hair
She's got a cross-stitch exhibition over there
A spate of pan fires isn't going to happen round here
It fills me with joy to see moshers out jogging
It fills me with joy to see moshers out jogging
Hey no local news [????] called fuck your conglomerate
No knarky young upstarts can fuck your conglomerate

We built this village....etc

Rehearsals afoot for the Christmas Play
It's called "Roll the square Arthur" and mind what you say
It's a cricketing farce with a thickening plot
Act One Scene One Brenda Blethyn get shot

Graduated to solids disturbingly early
Graduated to solids disturbingly early
The Mummers the poppers [based on the notes below]
The best of the Coppers

Anyone can join so I discarded my jeans
And played Blind Man and Pantheus, the King of Thebes
Some Bloomsbury peripherals said I had the best line

Check you sheds check your sheds I think I've lost my mind!

We built this village....etc


Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Title based on Starship's "We Built This City (On Rock And Roll)".
misguided trousers mentioned previously by Morrissey in Get Off The Stage ("You silly old man/In your misguided trousers/With your mascara and your Fender guitar..."), the b-side of Piccadilly Palare. Brenda Blethyn British big- and small-screen actress. The cricket farce in question is "Outside Edge", in which she played Roger Dervish's (Robert Daws) long-suffering wife Miriam. Crap fact: the show was originally a stage play, with Prunella Scales playing Blethyn's part.
Mummers Actors, basically. In mummers’ plays, the central incident is the killing and restoring to life of one of the characters. Often associated with Morris Dancing.
Poppers pills.
Mamas & Papas Harmony-rich California pop from the 60's.
The Coppers Bob and Ron Copper were a pair of... well, folk singers is perhaps doing them an injustice - say, brothers who sang folk songs. They had wonderful voices. Their stirring rendition of the the final verse of The Banks of the Sweet Primroses can just about reassure you that you are not making a complete fool of yourself over a rag, a bone and a hank of hair -

Come all young men, that go a-courting,

Pray pay attention to what I say,

There is many a dark and a cloudy morning,

Turns out to be a bright sunshine-y day.

(even if when you invite her to the cinema on a Friday night she claims she has to stay in to wait for the plumber, for example.) Worth singing while out on your bike and no one is around (tho' considering in the previous verse the woman he was a-courting took herself down 'to some lonesome valley, where no man on earth shall e'er me find', it seems a trifle optimistic.) (Ta to Tom Wootton for this).
Pantheus, King of Thebes Greek mythology time. From Euripides' drama "The Bacchae", King Pantheus of Thebes contended against Dionysus, the God, for the adoration of the Theban women. The god was winning by bewitching the women when the king interceded.
Bloomsbury peripheral reference to the Bloomsbury group, a bunch of posh artists including Vanessa Bell, Duncan Grant, Virginia Woolf, Roger Fry, etc.

Monkey Man adds:
Milk Bank - not sure if this is the right lyric but milk banks are repositories of human breast milk.

Twydale's Lament [Achtung Bono]

Indicate then you stupid bastard how was I supposed to know
That you intended to go left I'm not a mind reader

You should be cast away into the firey pit
And in that firey pit there are
Eternal sleeping policemen

I saw a young professional couple playing pooh-sticks on a Cotswold bridge
I watched them walk along the banks of the Windrush eating jasmine ice cream
Before heading north
Towards Wyre garden centre and Marianne Faithful
Splendid

I picked up all the elastic bands dropped by the postman on my driveway
And I took them up to the pub on a Thursday evening
As that's where he likes to go for the quiz
He believes he is needed for the music round
His friends obviously humour him

Anyway I place myself at a nearby table
And whenever he tried to light up a cigarette
I fire it out of his mouth with one of the elastic bands
Which he finds most annoying
Most annoying

Gouranga Gouranga
Yes I'll be happy
When you've been arrested for defacing the bridge

Notes taken from http://www.hmhb.co.uk/

Twydale Claire, used to be in Evil Gazebo.
sleeping policeman speed bump in the road.
Cotswolds A fairly extensive area of middle England, with plenty of green hillsides and dry stone walls.
Windrush River in the Cotswolds, popular with anglers.
Wyre Forest in Worcestershire, on the edge of the Cotswolds.
Marianne Faithful convent-girl-cum-singer, more notorious for her involvement with the Jagger/Richards drug bust in 1967.
Gouranga originates in the Hare Krishna religious movement, whose founding father, Shri Krishna Caitanya Mahaprabhu, was also called Gaura. Stickers bearing the word Gouranga or stating “Call out Gouranga and be happy!” have been appearing on bridges over motorways and railways in Scotland and the north of England, purely to annoy drivers as to its meaning.