Christian Rock Concert [McIntyre, Treadmore and Davitt]

And at the post-fest lig I saw
Ten thousand people maybe more
I said that I was from Kerrang
I steamed into the throng and sang

Get thee behind me Stryper
I've played your records backwards
I've seen your antics in the Green Room

Into the main marquee I walked
The coke was coke
and the tongue was forked
the Rural Dean lay inert
In his John 3:16 tee-shirt

Get thee behind me Stryper
I've played your records backwards
I've seen your antics in the Green Room

The body of Shane Fenton
is in the laundry chute of the
New Ambassadors Hotel
near Euston Station

Get thee behind me Stryper
I've played your records backwards
I've seen your antics in the Green Room

Then after the fire we're a mess on the floor
Drunk in a tented village
The Grand Leviathan of the white wedding scene
Drunk in a tented village
Wendy Wimbush on a Space Hopper was
Drunk in a tented village

All things bright and beautiful
We're drunk in a tented village

Notes from www.hmhb.co.uk ...I saw, 10,000 people maybe more... :from Sounds of Silence, Simon & Garfunkel, some of their earlier songs had religious overtones. Kerrang! Magazine for those who think Ozzy Osborne is an intellectual. Stryper A god squad rock band "Her rural Dean lay inert, in his John 3:16 T-Shirt" Rural Dean Clergyman exercising supervision over group of parochial clergy within division of archdeaconry, apparently due thanks to COD); John 3:16 One of the most famous verses of the bible. If you ever watch ski-ing, or bobsleighing from European snow, you ALWAYS see people wearing them, often banners at footie matches contain it too. The verse reads For God so loved the world that he gave his only son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. See also below... played your records backwards Satanic references in rock records etc. The Green Room Multiple meanings here. The hospitality room where guests prepare (get wasted) before telly interviews is called The Green Room. However, it is also the title of White Metal's (another Christian Rock band) fan magazine. John 3:16 may well be one of their album titles as they named them after verses in the bible. They also stopped the God Squad stuff eventually and became merely a normal rock band. Great. Wendy Wimbush Scorer for BBC cricket spacehopper a big orange inflatable ball thing with two horns/ears which you grabbed and bounced up and down on. Honestly. Can usually be found in attics, sheds, somewhere at the bottom of the garden. Very 1972-ish. Victor Lewis-Smith claims that spacehoppers influenced his sexual technique. Backwards bit says "The body of Shane Fenton is in the laundry chute of the New Ambassador's hotel near Euston Station" or something similar. Shane Fenton (or is that Notnef Enahs?) is of course legendary 70's glamster Alvin Stardust, the Gary Glitter lookalike who initially appeared in "Hollyoaks" on C4 and can now (3/97) be seen advertising lottery scratchcards.

Prag Vec at the Melkweg [McIntyre, Treadmore and Davitt]

In the town where I was born
Lived a man who went to work
And he told us of his life
Building spaceships on £40 a week

And he'd take us all for rides
And we'd do some serious drugs in
Onboard the Enterprise Allowance
We could do whatever we liked

We would go to a Meadowlark Lemon seminar
Be at the Tony Monopoly incident
Sort a strobe for Connie Plank
Shop around with Johnny Kwango

If you would come with me to Dawlish
I'd be like Stadler's caddy for ya

And we would return in time for tea
And our Dad's would not have inklings
We said we'd been to organise a Frisbee competition
With the gypsies down the road

Do you want to swap a hundred spandex overcoats
For the mental age of a haversack
It's been like this since we saw
Prag Vec at the Melkweg

Oh I doctored my edible thong with Listeria
My only hope is that your offspring walks backwards
And just as I expected the shopkeeper appeared
And then the band began to play


Notes from www.hmhb.co.uk Prag Vec Actually written "pragVEC"; London-based band fronted by Susan Gogan, and the first home of Jim Thirlwell (Foetus etc). Never played the Melkweg. Reissues coming soon (as of 01/01). Melkweg Nightclub in Amsterdam, literally the "Milky Way". Starts off like Beatles "Yellow Submarine" forty pounds a week -- enterprise allowance money. Meadowlark Lemon was the leader of the Harlem Globetrotters basketball team. Tony Monopoly Singer who won Opportunity Knocks hundreds of times in the 70's, thereby demonstrating the vacuum at the heart of Britain's popular culture. Connie Plank Famous German (male) record producer. Johnny Kwango Wrestler (or is that actor?, could never tell). Had a "jungle" theme. Dawlish Boring English seaside town on the South Devon coast. [Craig] Stadler Golfer. listeria popular variety of food poisoning caused by eating Edwina Currie. Just as I expected, the shopkeeper appeared From kids TV program Mr. Benn.

Outbreak of Vitus Gerulaitis [McIntyre, Treadmore and Davitt]

Tedius people tiresome town
Under the gaze of the mayoral frown
Always calm with a gentle breeze
Tarkus in black vinyl please

But what would you do
If the sexton's wife from the best kept village nearby
Came running with bells round her neck
And says you better move away tomorrow or today
'Cos when the owl starts laughing
You will all fall down
There's an outbreak of Vetus Gerulaitis on the way

Why it's Mr Kowalski
It was you all along
That ski lodge would have been mine
If it wasn't for you meddling kids

But what can you do
When your mum's in Rampton bouncing off the walls and singing
Who's afraid of Virginia Wade
Why do that today when you can always put it off until tomorrow
Was our motto

Subsequently engraved on a plaque
As a reminder of the attack
Of Vetus Gerulaitis

We all fall down
We all fall down
We all fall down
We all fall down

Who's afraid of Virginia Wade
Of Viriginia Wade
Who's afraid of Virginia Wade

An outbreak of Vetus Gerulaitis in the town
In the town
In the town
In the town
We all fall down


Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk Vitas Gerulaitis Tennis player with a name that sounds like a venereal disease. Deceased via dodgy air conditioning/heating arrangement. Tarkus An LP by ELP. Dreadful stuff. sexton minor lay official of the church, usually some old git. I think the sexton has something to do with bells, but frankly I give nary a tinker's cuss. Kowalski Judging by later LP titles, likely to be a name borrowed from Del Monroe's character in "Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sea". Although it could be a reference to Mr Brando opposite Ms Leigh in "A Streetcar Called Desire". ski lodge ... meddling kids Kowalski would make a good name for a "Scooby Doo" baddie. In the inestimably brilliant cartoon series, the villain always had a Polish name and with the aid of a rubber mask and a projector managed to scare off all other people trying to own the ski lodge/fun fair/mine/mansion. In the startling denouement, the gang from the Mystery Machine would unmask him and he would usually say something along the lines of "that ski lodge would have been mine if it wasn't for you meddling kids". Ou sont les nieges d'antan? Virginia Wade Nasal-voiced English tennis player, coincidental winner of Wimbledon ladies championship in 1977, year of the Silver Jubilee. Virginia Woolf was an abused-as-a-child lesbian novelist who wrote classic though rather dull books. "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf" is over-rated crap which I think starred Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. Rampton High security mental hospital.

McIntyre, Treadmore and Biscuit

I'm playing this CD the most at present so it makes sense to scribe the lyrics and get them posted on here.

Monkey Man

UPDATE: Many thanks to KPXX for sending me the lyrics for this album. I'll post them within the next day or two.

Monkey Man

Mate of the Bloke [Achtung Bono]

Beware of the man who only shows you the best bits
Beware of the band who type out their set lists
Sometimes instead of Arthur Lee
I'd much prefer some Arthur Lowe

And with you by my side
I would aspire to ascend
Such heights where we would find
Tears and laughter cease to matter
And we'd be pleasantly surprised
By our annual water bill

I'm an early 'til late indispensible mate
Of the bloke who does the PA
I can lend or affend
I can mend or befriend
As I help to set up the PA
As I help to set up the PA

I found myself being sued
By the firm More O'Ferrall
I'd sprayed a graffito on to
One of their hoardings

It was for Monsters of Rock
And I'd sprayed 'in church hall if wet'

It was sealing my fate when I said
But I'm a mate of the bloke who does the PA
And the magistrate he was a mate of a mate
Of the bloke who sets up the PA
Of the bloke who sets up the PA
So throw it out of court

I'm a mate of the bloke
I'm a mate of the bloke
I'm a mate of the bloke
I'm a mate of the bloke
I'm a mate of the bloke
I'm a mate of the bloke
I'm a mate of the bloke
I'm a mate of the bloke

Etc....

I'm lost without an inside pocket
I'm lost without an inside pocket
I can find my way home from Sierra Leone
But I'm lost without an inside pocket
I'm lost without an inside pocket
I'm lost
Without an inside pocket


Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Arthur Lee lead singer with Love (Forever Changes etc). Was back playing live again until recently, until his death (late 2006) prevented him.
Arthur Lowe Captain George Mainwaring from "Dad's Army" (1968-77), Leonard Swindley in "Coronation Street" (1960-65).
More O'Ferrall UK billboard company, now rebranded as Clear Channel.
Monsters Of Rock Er, a rock festival held at Donnington.
Sierra Leone on the west coast of Africa, surrounded by Guinea and Liberia. The 1991-2002 civil war between the government and the Revolutionary United Front (RUF) resulted in tens of thousands of deaths and the displacement of more than 2 million people (about one-third of the population), many of whom are now refugees in neighbouring countries.

Future Plans

Best laid plans and all that.........

1. General tidying up. I mean the blog not the house
2. I'll sort out a discography list soon. I didn't do it at the beginning because I figure that most people searching for lyrics will go by the song and not the album title
3. I'll finish writing my own songs, "Progressive Dads", "People called Wilson", "Blog-proof iPod" and "Armchair Expert" - when you spend a solid couple of days researching HMHB lyrics your mind tends to wander. Well mine did.
   
4. I'll buy the last few remaining HMHB CDs I don't own (still waiting for Amazon to furnish me with Four Lads Who Shook the Wirral) and complete the lyrics listing
5. Finally I'll hang round the local Primark waiting to ask Nigel when he'll do a song about Jeremy Beadle. Take a look at this interview from 2001.
   

Monkey Man

Second Stint

One more song {Mate of the Bloke} to go and Achtung Bono will be finished.

That means I will have covered:-

Achtung Bono
Cammel Laird Social Club
Editor's Recommendation
Saucy Haulage Ballards

My fingers are bleeding from the typing.

Joy Division Oven Gloves [Achtung Bono]

Well the dish is too hot
you'll never guess what
I've got Joy Division oven gloves
If it's her desire
I'll put my fingers in the fire
'Cos I've got Joy Division oven gloves
I've got Joy Division oven gloves

Ooh ooh tropical diseases
Ooh ooh chemical alarm
Ooh ooh I'm a little blasé
In me Joy Division oven gloves
In me Joy Division oven gloves

I've been here and I've been there
In me Joy Division oven gloves
I''ve been to a post-punk Postcard fair
In me Joy Division oven gloves
Ooh ooh Nagasaki towpath
Ooh ooh tickling the laird
Ooh ooh checking out the Quantocks
In me Joy Division oven gloves
In me Joy Division oven gloves

On a sinking ship a sailor yearns
For his Joy Division oven gloves
Nero fiddles while Gordon Burns
In his Joy Division oven gloves
Talk to the hands, talk to the hands
In his Joy Division oven gloves
Dance dance dance dance
In your Joy Division oven gloves

Ooh ooh piccalilli shinpads
Ooh ooh polishing the nave
I keep wicket for the Quakers
In me Joy Division oven gloves [repeat]

My grandfather's clock was too tall for the shelf
So I sold it and opened up a stall
Selling Joy Division oven gloves
We got Joy Division oven gloves
Get your Joy Division oven gloves
Hallelujah


Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Joy Division Seminal Manchester post-punk band from the late 70's/early 80's.
Quantocks Hills in Somerset, not too far from Bridgwater.
"Nero fiddles while Gordon burns" a recreation of "Nero fiddles while Rome burns". Which is unlikely, since the violin hadn't been invented at the time (AD64).
Nero known as a bit of a bastard at times, but unlikely to be the Rome arsonist, as he wasn't there at the time. Angered the Christians by building himself a huge palace on the ruins.
Gordon Burns presented The Krypton Factor on ITV for years, now the anchorman for the Northwest Tonight news programme.
"talk to the hands" 'cos the face ain't listening...
"dance, dance, dance" from Joy Division's "Transmission".
Quakers The Religious Society of Friends, whose faith springs from the experience that each one of us can have a direct relationship with the Divine.
My Grandfather's Clock is a traditional song, the original starts "My grandfather's clock was too tall for the shelf, so it stood ninety years on the floor...". The melody is as recited by Nigel. The clock which inspired the song can apparently still be seen at the George Hotel, Piercebridge, County Durham.

MM adds: thanks to Brian for pointing me towards this -

Postcard Records a late Seventies early Eighties Scottish punk record label housing Orange Juice, Josef K and Aztec Camera. Collectable stuff now.

Upon Westminster Bridge [Achtung Bono]

Same old Hampstead
Ken Hom wok set
Dead Sea bath salts
Jog proof iPod
Iron age hill fort
Long term roadworks
High tide bird watch
B & Q Homebase

If Jesus came to Earth today
They've crucify him straight way
Upon a cross of MDF
And they'd use No Need For Nails

Ship-shape farmhouse
Dry stone wall chart
Cashback foot spa
Straight down Ladbrokes
Low cost school trip
Ramraid Oxfam
Christ that sun's hot
Yes that's right sir

Oh help me Mrs Meddlicot
I don't know what to do
I've only got three bullets
And there's four of Motley Crue

Spoiling Good Friday my ex-love sent to me
Twelve drummers singing
Eleven chairmain dancing
Ten mascots whinging
Nine stewards flapping
Eight christening invites
Seven cows a barking
Six vicars strumming
Nick fucking Knowles
Four boring words
Carphone Warehouse and Matalan
And a pulled up at Bangor-on-Dee

I'm driving backwards at peak hour
Along the Edgeware Road.

Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Upon Westminster Bridge is a poem by William Wordsworth, September 3, 1802.
Hampstead famous for the heath - "The Lungs Of London".
Ken Hom Oriental cook.
Dead Sea the lowest exposed point on the Earth's surface (1369ft below sea level), on the border between the West Bank, Israel, and Jordan on the Jordan Rift Valley. The endorheic body of water is the deepest hypersaline lake in the world, 76km long, up to 18km wide and 400m deep at its deepest point.
iPod Apple's 'pocket-sized ultralight hard-drive based device', i.e. MP3 player.
B&Q, Homebase where paintballers go on their weekends off.
"No Need For Nails" Not sure this actually exists - I only know of "No More Nails" and "Hard As Nails". Whatever, a solvent adhesive.
Ladbrokes bookies.
Motley Crue Poodle metal band from the 80's, still going. Vince Neil, Tommy Lee and Nikki Sixx get the bullets from me.
The guitar solo sounds uncannily like Woody Guthrie's This Land Is Your Land.
The next bit is obviously to the tune of The Twelve Days Of Christmas.
Nick Knowles host of BBC's DIY SOS.
Carphone Warehouse mobile phones.
Matalan low cost clothes and home store.
"...and a pulled-up at Bangor-on-Dee" i.e. a non-finisher at the racecourse, which is situated near Wrexham.
I'm driving backwards at peak hour... inspired by Spike Milligan's ballad I'm Walking Backwards For Christmas, first broadcast on the Goon Show in 1956 in the The Great Tuscan Salami Scandal episode (see where Banzai got their ideas from). Milligan sang this to fill in due a musician's strike at the time.
Edgware Road London street on the Bakerloo line between Paddington and Marylebone stations.

Surging Out of Convalescence [Achtung Bono]

Darts in soap operas
Oh so wrong oh so wrong
No one scoring and there's
Too much chat between each throw

Worse than this though is when
Cheers are raised up for a bull
Granted, bull's a double and an out
But I know that they don't know
Therefore I propose no soap darts

Is your child hyperactive or is he perhaps a twat
Sometimes I like to watch wave rage down at Fistral beach
Last Ash Wednesday I had tantric sex and it was shit
Next Ash Wednesday I might strive to lick my elbow
Try in vain
For they say
Few succeed

I wrote to the Horse & Hound
To gloat over what I'd done
I'd stored their magazine
In a data retrieval system
Well let's face it what are they going to do
It's not as if they know where I live
And anyway I cut the caper back in 1984

Oh broken matrons! Oh joyless beds!
For those whose souls the iron has entered

And if I get to Heaven's Gate
I'll doubtless have to wait
While St Peter investigates
The inevitable asterisk

The inside of a Halex 3-star table tennis ball
Smells much like you'd expect it to


Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Fistral The main surfing beach in Newquay (Cornwall). Too many pikeys these days.
Horse and Hound "The equestrian world's only news weekly".
...stored their magazine in a data-retrieval system It was a common copyright warning on magazines such as "The contents of this magazine, either in whole or part, may not be reproduced, stored in a data retrieval system...blah, blah, blah." In 1984, of course, few people had access to such a system.
Halex 3-star Table-tennis ball - The cream of ping-pong balls.

Shit Arm, Bad Tattoo [Achtung Bono]

I could have put my head in a bucketful of porridge
And moaned about the hospital parking scheme
I would have saved fourteen pound that I've just splashed out
On your second album
For that's what's it akin to
And further more

You've got a shit arm and that's a bad tattoo
You've got a shit arm and that's a bad tattoo

If your going to quote from the Book of Revelation
Don't keep calling it the Book of Revelations
There's no "S"
It's the Book of Revelation
As revealed to St John the Devine
See also Mary Hopkin
She must despair

You've got a shit arm and that's a bad tattoo
You've got a shit arm and that's a bad tattoo
Authentic Celtic band

Advent in the High Street
I point and sing
Busk when it's Christmas
You only busk when it's Christmas

And you've got a shit arm and that's a bad tattoo
You've got a shit arm and that's a bad tattoo

Shit arm bad tattoo
Shit arm bad tattoo
Shit arm bad tattoo
(you've got a)
Shit arm bad tattoo

Oh well you've got a shit arm
And that's a bad tattoo


Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

See the front cover of The Libertines' self-titled second album.
...quote from the Book Of Revelations... refers to The Libertines' What A Waster single from 2002 - offending lyrics are "When she wakes up in the morning, she writes down all her dreams, reads like the Book of Revelations, or the Beano or the unabridged Ulysses.". Splendid.
Book Of Revelation Fairly impenetrable. The Revelation is lavish in colourful descriptions of the visions which proclaim for us the Last Days before Christ’s return and the ushering in of the new Heaven and new earth. The Revelation reveals the series of devastations poured out upon the earth; the mark of the beast, “666”; the climatic battle of Armageddon; the binding of Satan; the reign of the Lord; the Great White Throne Judgment; and the nature of the eternal city of God. Prophecies concerning Jesus Christ are fulfilled and a concluding call to His Lordship assures us that He will soon return.
St John The Divine had a Revelation in the above.
Mary Hopkin Welsh warbler who won Opportunity Knocks on ten consecutive occasions, and subsequently knocked the Beatles' Hey Jude off the no.1 spot with Those Were The Days after Paul McCartney had signed her to Apple. I prefer the Wedding Present's version of the Ukrainian/Russian folk song meself.
"you only busk when it's Christmas" based on the football chant "You only sing when you're winning" which in turn is a rewording of the Cuban patriotic song Guantanamera ("The girl from Guantanamo").

For What is Chatteris... [Achtung Bono]

One way system smooth and commendable
Go by bus they're highly dependable
The swings in the park for kids have won awards
The clean streets acknowledged in the Lords

But what's a park if you can't see a Linnet
A timetable if your journey is infinite
My bag's packed and I'm leaving in a minute
For what is Chatteris without you in it

Car crime's low the gun crime's lower
The Town Hall band cd it's a grower
You never hear of folk getting knocked on the bonce
Although there was a drive-by shouting once

But there's a brass band everywhere
And I don't drive so I don't care
And as the nightingale sang in Berkeley Square
What's Chatteris if your not there

Like a game bird reserve short on pheasants
Weaver's cottages devoid of tenants
A market town that lacks quintescence
That's Chatteris without your presence

Three good butchers
Two fine chandlers
An indoor pool
And a first class cake shop
Ofsted plaudits
Envy of the Fens
Crick barriers at both ends

But what's Chatteris if your not there
What's Chatteris if your not there [repeat]

I may as well be in Ely or St Ives


Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Chatteris is in Cambridgeshire, roughly 7 miles from March, and roughly 20 miles from Cambridge.
A Nightingale Sang In Berkeley Square popular British song, tune by Manning Sherwin (1915), lyrics by Eric Maschwitz, first published in 1940, originally performed by Ray Noble, and made famous in the same year by Vera Lynn. Also performed by Nat King Cole, Glenn Miller, Harry Connick Jr. and Sonny Rollins. A famous version by The Manhattan Transfer won a Grammy in 1981 for its arranger, Gene Puerling. I won't mention the movie of the same name from 1979.
Berkeley Square is a town square in the West End of London in the City of Westminster, originally laid out in the mid 18th century by architect William Kent. It is named after the noble Gloucestershire family of the same name whose London home, Berkeley House, had stood nearby until 1733.
Ofsted Office for Standards in Education.
Fens Area of England that fans out from the Wash across Cambridgeshire, Lincolnshire and West Norfolk. Once an inhospitable swampy wilderness, now a network of waterways for holidaymakers to crash their barges on.
Prick barriers A traffic-calming device of particular abundance in the Fens. I can't speak for Chatteris, but nearby Gamlingay certainly has them, at both ends no less. They're somewhat like a chicane but more Z-shaped than hourglass-shaped and the purpose is to allow traffic through from one direction at a time.
Ely Cathedral city in Cambridgeshire, founded in 673 when Princess Etheldreda, daughter of the Anglo-Saxon King Anna adopted Christianity and formed a Coven/Convent one mile north of the Saxon village of Cratendune, an act that later ensured her elevation to Saint Etheldreda. Far more important, of course, for that famous night in Paris 1973 when Ely made the whole of Britain proud by winning the Grand Final of It's A Knockout / Jeux Sans Frontières.
St. Ives in Cambridgeshire, which is actually the ancient town of Slepe in the old county of Huntingdonshire. This ancient riverside market town is now named after the Persian Bishop, St. Ivo. St. Ives stands on the River Great Ouse and is world famous for the Chapel on the Bridge.

Monkey Man adds:

Linnet a type of bird

Corgi Registered Friends [Achtung Bono]

In the kingdom of the blind
It's said the one-eyed man is king
And in the kingdom of the bland
It's nine o'clock on ITV

I believe I've seen holograms
With more substance than you
Automatic doors don't open for you

"C" "O" "R" "G" "I"
Corgi registered friends
"C" "O" "R" "G" "I"
Corgi registered friends
Meet up on a Monday with your
Corgi registered friends

You call Glastonbury Glasto
You'd like to go there one day
When they've put up the gun towers
To keep the hippies away

December sees Kitzbuhel
Clad in Low Alpine
Your children are painfully souless
Ralph's in Brize Norton

"C" "O" "R" "G" "I"
Corgi registered friends
"C" "O" "R" "G" "I"
Corgi registered friends
You do your Del Boy impressions with your
Corgi registered friends

For sale gym equipment
And now your jeans are too tight
Amanda Burton on auto pilot
Is all you need each night

I wear a tolerance robe
I have the patience of Job
But when I hear of your wife's silling giggling
At Ann Summers parties

"C" "O" "R" "G" "I"
Corgi registered friends
"C" "O" "R" "G" "I"
Corgi registered friends
You got to medieval banquets with your
Corgi registered friends

Stick this in your Volvo glove compartment


Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

CORGI Council for Registered Gas Installers, the national watchdog for gas safety in the United Kingdom.
"In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is king." is a quote from the 15th century philosopher Erasmus. Or in other words, if all else around you were ignorant than even a little knowledge would make you significant in that community.
Kitzbühel Skiing (and golfing) location in the Alps.
Lowe Alpine make walking gear.
Brize Norton RAF base in Oxfordshire, between Witney and Carterton.
Del Boy Mr Jason's character from Only Fools And Horses.
Amanda Burton Dr Sam Ryan in Silent Witness these days, but forever Heather Haversham/Huntingdon/Black in Brookside in the mid-eighties to me.
Job Another chap with a Book in the Old Testament (there's a joke here somewhere about the Book of Jobs). Basically, Job loses his family, his wealth, and his health. Job's three friends, Eliphaz, Bildad and Zophar, come to comfort him and to discuss his crushing series of tragedies. They insist his suffering is punishment for sin in his life. Job, though, remains devoted to God through all of this and contends that his life has not been one of sin. A fourth man, Elihu, tells Job he needs to humble himself and submit to God's use of trials to purify his life. Finally, Job questions God Himself and learns valuable lessons about the sovereignty of God and his need to totally trust in the Lord. Job is then restored to health, happiness and prosperity beyond his earlier state. I'd have stayed in the pub meself.
Ann Summers Sex toys and the rest.

Restless Legs [Achtung Bono]

There she lies in here fleecy gown
By my side in the eiderdown
But she can't get a ticket to Morningtown
As I've got restless legs

Boring though this fool may be
Slumber still won't visit me
As long as you stay next to me
For I have restless legs

Milky drink of Sudafed
That should sort you out she said
As I kicked myself clean out of the bed
Grazed my restless legs

Homepathic cures I've sought
All in all they've come to naught
I wish it was some astronaut
Who had these restless legs

Four oh six and I'm wide awake
I've got an uncontrollable urge to take
A five mile hike around the Ogwen Lake
Stretch these restless legs

No sympathy from Uncle Greg
Nor indeed from Aunty Meg
Thank God I'm not Jake the Peg
With an extra restless leg

So come the day when I don't exist
And worms are flying through the graveyard mist
Don't go bothering the exorcist
It's just my restless legs


Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

(ticket to) Morningtown Morningtown Ride was written by Malvina Reynolds, and was first released by The Limeliters in 1962. The Seekers version from 1966 is probably the most famous version.
Sudafed Decongestant medicine for catarrh and sinus congestion.
Ogwen Lake Popular tourist and angler destination in North Wales, on the A5 four miles from the village of Bethesda. Read more about it here.
Jake The Peg Rolf Harris song and character, with a 50% bonus in the leg department.

We Built This Village On A Trad.Arr. Tune [Achtung Bono]

And the scout hut debate still rages on
The most dangerous junction in Christendom
And Cathy ???? fourth milk bank opens soon

And yonder the deacon in misguided trousers
Yonder the deacon in misguided trousers

We built this village on a Trad.Arr. tune [repeat]

Ma ma maroon was the colour of my true loves' hair
She's got a cross-stitch exhibition over there
A spate of pan fires isn't going to happen round here
It fills me with joy to see moshers out jogging
It fills me with joy to see moshers out jogging
Hey no local news [????] called fuck your conglomerate
No knarky young upstarts can fuck your conglomerate

We built this village....etc

Rehearsals afoot for the Christmas Play
It's called "Roll the square Arthur" and mind what you say
It's a cricketing farce with a thickening plot
Act One Scene One Brenda Blethyn get shot

Graduated to solids disturbingly early
Graduated to solids disturbingly early
The Mummers the poppers [based on the notes below]
The best of the Coppers

Anyone can join so I discarded my jeans
And played Blind Man and Pantheus, the King of Thebes
Some Bloomsbury peripherals said I had the best line

Check you sheds check your sheds I think I've lost my mind!

We built this village....etc


Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Title based on Starship's "We Built This City (On Rock And Roll)".
misguided trousers mentioned previously by Morrissey in Get Off The Stage ("You silly old man/In your misguided trousers/With your mascara and your Fender guitar..."), the b-side of Piccadilly Palare. Brenda Blethyn British big- and small-screen actress. The cricket farce in question is "Outside Edge", in which she played Roger Dervish's (Robert Daws) long-suffering wife Miriam. Crap fact: the show was originally a stage play, with Prunella Scales playing Blethyn's part.
Mummers Actors, basically. In mummers’ plays, the central incident is the killing and restoring to life of one of the characters. Often associated with Morris Dancing.
Poppers pills.
Mamas & Papas Harmony-rich California pop from the 60's.
The Coppers Bob and Ron Copper were a pair of... well, folk singers is perhaps doing them an injustice - say, brothers who sang folk songs. They had wonderful voices. Their stirring rendition of the the final verse of The Banks of the Sweet Primroses can just about reassure you that you are not making a complete fool of yourself over a rag, a bone and a hank of hair -

Come all young men, that go a-courting,

Pray pay attention to what I say,

There is many a dark and a cloudy morning,

Turns out to be a bright sunshine-y day.

(even if when you invite her to the cinema on a Friday night she claims she has to stay in to wait for the plumber, for example.) Worth singing while out on your bike and no one is around (tho' considering in the previous verse the woman he was a-courting took herself down 'to some lonesome valley, where no man on earth shall e'er me find', it seems a trifle optimistic.) (Ta to Tom Wootton for this).
Pantheus, King of Thebes Greek mythology time. From Euripides' drama "The Bacchae", King Pantheus of Thebes contended against Dionysus, the God, for the adoration of the Theban women. The god was winning by bewitching the women when the king interceded.
Bloomsbury peripheral reference to the Bloomsbury group, a bunch of posh artists including Vanessa Bell, Duncan Grant, Virginia Woolf, Roger Fry, etc.

Monkey Man adds:
Milk Bank - not sure if this is the right lyric but milk banks are repositories of human breast milk.

Twydale's Lament [Achtung Bono]

Indicate then you stupid bastard how was I supposed to know
That you intended to go left I'm not a mind reader

You should be cast away into the firey pit
And in that firey pit there are
Eternal sleeping policemen

I saw a young professional couple playing pooh-sticks on a Cotswold bridge
I watched them walk along the banks of the Windrush eating jasmine ice cream
Before heading north
Towards Wyre garden centre and Marianne Faithful
Splendid

I picked up all the elastic bands dropped by the postman on my driveway
And I took them up to the pub on a Thursday evening
As that's where he likes to go for the quiz
He believes he is needed for the music round
His friends obviously humour him

Anyway I place myself at a nearby table
And whenever he tried to light up a cigarette
I fire it out of his mouth with one of the elastic bands
Which he finds most annoying
Most annoying

Gouranga Gouranga
Yes I'll be happy
When you've been arrested for defacing the bridge

Notes taken from http://www.hmhb.co.uk/

Twydale Claire, used to be in Evil Gazebo.
sleeping policeman speed bump in the road.
Cotswolds A fairly extensive area of middle England, with plenty of green hillsides and dry stone walls.
Windrush River in the Cotswolds, popular with anglers.
Wyre Forest in Worcestershire, on the edge of the Cotswolds.
Marianne Faithful convent-girl-cum-singer, more notorious for her involvement with the Jagger/Richards drug bust in 1967.
Gouranga originates in the Hare Krishna religious movement, whose founding father, Shri Krishna Caitanya Mahaprabhu, was also called Gaura. Stickers bearing the word Gouranga or stating “Call out Gouranga and be happy!” have been appearing on bridges over motorways and railways in Scotland and the north of England, purely to annoy drivers as to its meaning.

Letters Sent [Achtung Bono]

Keeper you just made a decent save
So why do you feel the need to rant and rave
Screaming at defenders makes you look dead stupid
Especially when they haven't done much wrong
Please cease the trait

Thank you to who ever found my purse
Also when I fell the passing nurse
And when in my coma as I try to bludgeon
Chartist demonstrators in the square

Those on the ward
Yours much restored

I disagree entirely with your choice
Peetie Wheatstraw had a better voice
I'd like to warn your readers
Stapeley Water Gardens
A nice day out but best to take a flask

Dear Miss McVeigh it pains me to say
The school choir was dull and the blame lies with you

Sewage farm an absolute disgrace
Picnic tables somewhat out of place
Leisure Centre cash-point always out of order
And there's too much chlorine in the pool

Thirteen across
Where was the clue
Bird on the wire
Len your the dogs

Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Chartist Chartism was a popular movement in Great Britain from 1838 to 1848 for electoral and social reform. These days, there's the magazine 'Chartism: for democratic socialism'.
Peetie Wheatstraw Bluesman from the 1920s-1941. Read about him here.
Stapely Water Gardens Garden centre (and much more) near Nantwich in South Cheshire.
Bird On A Wire Leonard Cohen's anthem of personal redemption.
Len Leonard Cohen.

Bogus Official [Achtung Bono]

I'm the man that you need on the day that it rains
I'm the wiser advisor on Capital Gains
I'm the low life pretending to look at your drains
I'm a bogus official
Don't let me in

I'm the police I'm the clergy
I'm Measures and Weights
I'm the chap doing the survey on alley gates
I need to know where you'll be on the following dates
'Cos I'm a bogus official
Nice dress

Courteous friendly jolly and fat
With a smile saying look I know it's under the mat
I don't give a fuck about your missing cat
"B" "O" "G" "U" "S" Official

End of the first stint

Well I've managed to get 23 songs on during my first stint. The most lyrics I've seen on other sites is 9 songs worth! So already the project is doing well.

The problem is I won't sleep now as I have an amalgam of HMHB lyrics zooming through my noggin. And I wanted to complete the Achtung Bono listing before I turned in but that isn't going to happen.

Depressed Beyond Tablets

I walk caverns and abysmals that I hope you never dream of
I search around for exits but I'm doubting if there ever was an entrance
In the first place
It's a bleak as the boondock
Where stern faced Neubauten rehearse

Depressed beyond tablets and gone beyond pills
Depressed beyond tablets and gone beyond pills
Depressed beyond tablets and gone beyond pills
Depressed beyond tablets and gone beyond pills

The sunshine and Jennifer seem such a distance
The universe is ruled by chance and indifference
And I'm shrouded
By inexorable darkness
And I tell you this for nowt
La Belle Epoque sang Black is Black
Yeah well I sing
Black is black is black is black

Depressed beyond tablets and gone beyond pills
Depressed beyond tablets and gone beyond pills
Depressed beyond tablets and gone beyond pills
Depressed beyond tablets and gone beyond pills
The cloud base is low on the Clwydian Hills

While she's squealing with pleasure in the arms of her lover
To infernal regions I've been sent to gut humming birds according
To my sentence
Your optimism strikes me like junk mail addressed to the dead

Depressed beyond tablets and gone beyond pills
Depressed beyond tablets and gone beyond pills
Depressed beyond tablets and gone beyond pills
Depressed beyond tablets and gone beyond pills

Oh the results of my lifetime
On a string of nil-nils
Hey Blakey does your bus go by the dark satanic mills
If I was in CSNY I'd be Stephen Stills
And maybe four more without the numerous pills


Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

The title appeared in Chris Morris' "Brasseye" episode on Crime; a Ted Maul interview with the Huffords begins, "Dad unemployed; Mum depressed beyond tablets. You want to help these people, but the truth is, they're got to help themselves..."
Boondock rough, isolated area.
Stern-Faced Neubauten reference to Einsturzende Neubauten, German industrial godfathers.
Belle Epoque cite "Black Is Black"... Belle Epoque were a French 70's female disco group, Black Is Black was their major hit, #2 in 1977. The song itself was a cover of the 1966 #2 for the Spanish quintet Los Bravos.
Clwydian Hills A 20-mile range of undulating hill and moorland; not mountainous, but the views aren't bad. Separating the luscious Vale of Clwyd from the Dee Estuary, this open, expansive ridge is often called the north-eastern rampart of Wales.
dark satanic mills from Blake's Jerusalem.
CSNY (David) Crosby, (Stephen) Stills, (Graham) Nash and (Neil) Young, formed in 1968 from the embers of The Byrds, Buffalo Springfield and The Hollies.
Stephen Stills guitarist and vocalist for CSN(Y)

Asparagus Next Left [Achtung Bono]

We’ve just been performing a guerrilla gig
In the middle of another group’s guerrilla gig
Well surely that’s the ultimate guerrilla gig
But still they cried like girls

Road signs on our country lanes
May not be what they seem
Asparagus next left
Who says
I’ve been upstream

Going down there for plum tomatoes
That’s not a good idea
For horse manure 200 yards
Read bottomless perdition

When the club versus country dispute arose
Small children were trampled in the exodus
We all knew someone at primary school
Who had a very powerful magnet

This way for new potatoes
An arrow points innocently
Dirt track to a darker place
That’s what it says to me

Last chance for hanging baskets
They’re even giving you clues
Fresh broad beans and aubergines
Eupemisms Audrey euphemisms

Whatever happened to the plumbers van
The humble amateur transit van
Vans have become ridiculous
With their strategies and logistics

Vere left for marmalade
I don’t think so Joe
And why are tractors turning
We really ought to know

So stay alert on the minor roads
Remember Phyllis Triggs
Ooh rhubarb let’s go
She’s still not been accounted for

Monkey Man adds:

Anyone know who Phylis Triggs was?

I Went to a Wedding [Saucy Haulage Ballads]

I went to a wedding
Though only the night time
I didn't know them that well
I watched on from the margins
At the dance floor crowded

The DJ adhered to the rule of occasion
Dancing Queen
Shoop Shoop Song
You're the One that I Want
They're the ones that they want

He knew his trade well I could see

And at a table nearby I heard a girl saying
To a tall balding guest
So you're Brad Friedel
I'm mildly impressed

I thought I'd chance my arm
Her reply won my heart
So you're William Pitt
Elder or Younger

And then inexplicably
For reasons unfathomable
But to me wholly admirable
The DJ played us some Tallis

He yanked off the Corrs in disgust and announced Thomas Tallis

Lamentations of Jeremiah

Across an empty dancefloor I walked to commend him
And also enquire if he had any Dowland

The incident passed things got back to normal
At the end of the evening everyone staggered out singing
And they were singing

Oh you can't put your foot up in Europe
You can't show your studs on the 'Nent.
They take a dim view of a slightly raised shoe
So think on if you're up against Ghent
My lad
Think on if you're up against Ghent

Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Dancing Queen Abba.
Shoop Shoop Song or even "It's In His Kiss". Did the rounds of a series of singers before Betty Everett had the hit in 1964. Best known these days for the Cher cover, unfortunately. I'm told the best version (from the early 60's) was by Merry Clayton, who later went on to immortality as the backing vocalist on the Stones' "Gimme Shelter" (ta Ian).
You're The One That I Want The Rock of Travolta and Olivia Tremor Control (limited edition split single).
"So you're Brad Friedel - I'm mildly impressed" cf. Shania Twain: "So you're Brad Pitt - that don't impress me much."
Brad Friedel American goalkeeper with Blackburn Rovers, formerly of Liverpool, Columbus Crew, Galatasaray, Brondby...
William Pitt the Elder (1708-78), the 'Great Commoner', and the first Earl of Chatham. Entered politics in 1735 when he was elected as MP (Whig) for Old Sarum, the family's rotten borough. Climbed through the ranks to Secretary of State in 1756, when the Seven Years' War broke out. Sacked by George II over disagreements about the administration of the war, but then recalled as a coalition PM the following year. Fell out with the new King (George III) and the Earl of Bute, again over the war, and resigned in 1761. Made a comeback, and eventually became a coalition PM again in 1766, albeit as the last option available. Elevated to the peerage at this time, had no control of the Commons as a result, and resigned two years later due to this and his differing view on the American situation (he supported the Americans against the King). Collapsed while speaking in the House of Lords (onto the Duke of Portland) in 1778, and died as a result.
William Pitt the Younger (1759-1806), second (and favourite) son and fourth child of Pitt the Elder. A sickly but precocious child, entered Cambridge at 14 and Parliament (Tory) at 22. Became the youngest ever PM at 24, a post he held for 18 years. His fiscal reform policies went down well, but the war with France declared in 1793 marked the start of years of conflict. In 1798 the Irish revolted against his policies. His solution, the Act of Union 1800, included Catholic emancipation which was rejected by the king. Pitt resigned in protest in 1801. Returned as PM in 1804 to fight Napoleon; the latter's victory at Austerlitz in 1806 is said to have caused Pitt's death.
The Corrs The family band of Dundalk.
Thomas Tallis 16th-century (1505?-85) English composer and organist, composed predominantly for the church for both Protestant and Catholic monarchs.
Lamentations of Jeremiah by Tallis.
(John) Dowland (1563-1626) English or possibly Irish composer and lutenist, failed to get royal patronage (probably because he was a Catholic) so he worked in Denmark until debt brought him home in 1606. Appointed as one of the King's Lutes in 1612, performed at James I's funeral in 1625, and died the following year.
Ghent second biggest city in Flanders (that's Belgium to the rest of us). KAA Gent (Royal Athletics Association Gent) are the first division football team. If you remember Cedric Roussel (Coventry, Wolves), he came from the Buffalos.

Blood on the Quad [Saucy Haulage Ballads]

They looked at my postcode
They asked me to speak
It was then I decide my prospects were bleak
Well it may be through gooks [????] rule
It may be through God
One day there's gonna be
Blood on the quad

Blood on the quad
Blood on the quad
Me in the bell tower
And blood on the quad

They've been punting on the Backs
They've drunk a crate of Becks
Smashed the punts up with an axe
Now they're going to drop their kecks

Well they say not to spoil them by sparing the rod
You'll know I complied when there's
Blood on the quad

Blood on the quad
Blood on the quad
Me in the bell tower
And blood on the quad

Can you hear Talvin Singh
Blood on the quad
Blood on the quad
Me in the bell tower
And blood on the quad

It sounds like a class rant but it's really because
I am the landlord of the pub that gets the cemetary trade

Blood on the quad
Blood on the quad
Me in the bell tower
And blood on the quad

And now the notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Quad The central square in the posher university colleges. Inspector Morse popped his clogs on Exeter College quad, you know.
Becks Bottled beer from Bremen.
Talvin Singh Eastend Asian virtuoso tabla man. Won the Mercury Music prize in 1999.
The ending sounds not unlike the scene at the end of the 1960's Lyndsay Anderson film If..., where Malcolm McDowell's character starts shooting the pupils and staff at his public school.

On Finding the Studio Banjo [Saucy Haulage Ballads]

Unemployment's rising in the Chigley part of town
And it's spreading like pneumonia
Doesn't look like going down
There's trouble at the fire station
Someone's had the sack
And the lad's are going to launch a scheme
To get rid of Captain Flack

Tell PC McGarry to get himself a mate
And arm themselves with CS gas
They're going to be out late

We've had Cant Conformism since 1966
And now subversions in the air
In the shape of flying bricks

Someone get a message through to Captain Snort
That they better start assembling the boys from the fort
And keep Mrs Honeyman right out of sight
'Cos there's going to be a riot down in Trumpton tonight

All this aristocracy has really got to stop
We could overthrow the surgery
And Kidnap Dr Mopp

Then Chippy Minton's Socialists
Could storm the market square
And make plans to assasinate
Our autocratic mayor

Windy Militant leads his Basque-like
Corngrinders to war
With windmill sails and bombs with nails
They smash the Town Hall door
But Snorty and his boys arrive with one big erstwhile crew
Whereupon they bring about a military coup

Someone get a message through to Captain Snort
That they better start assembling the boys from the fort
And keep Mrs Honeyman right out of sight
'Cos there's going to be a riot down in Trumpton tonight

Monkey Man adds:

A 2003 reworking of the 1986 original "Trumpton Riots " the lyrics are taken from the CD "Back in the D.H.S.S. /Trumpton Riots EP

It Makes the Room Look Bigger [Saucy Haulage Ballads]

I've just finished decorating
It was very irritating
And I know they're going to come around tonight
And I know they're going to say to me tonight
It makes the room look bigger
It makes the room look bigger

So let's forget about the open top bus ride
Standing tall on the Town Hall balcony
It's about as likely as hen's teeth
It's about as likely as hen's teeth
And as the light gets dimmer
I watch the chance get slimmer

But I'm putting up a hook to hang my hopes upon
There's a fella coming round to put the gas back on
And if truth be told now that Thelma's gone
It makes the room look bigger

I'm drawn towards the souvenir stalls
I twirl around the keep fob rack
But it's alright for Nicholas and for Neal
Yeah but how do you think that makes me feel
And all the while I can see I'm on the CCTV

Elderly lady at the bus stop thinks I'm going to eat
So to reassure her I ask her for the time
And her sense of relief at my friendly tone
Reveals itself in her karmic moan
You can wait twenty minutes and nothing comes along
Then all of a sudden three thugs rob your pension
Oh there's generally one at twenty five past
There's generally one at twenty five past
They come swinging round that corner
They think they're Benny Goodman

But I'm putting up a hook to hang my hopes upon
There's a fella coming round to put the gas back on
And if truth be told now that Thelma's gone
It makes the room look bigger

Oh tip-toe to the front row of the Korn Show
With a sub-machine gun

Now for notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Benny Goodman Chicago-born jazz clarinetist (and occasional sax) and bandleader. He earned the soubriquet "King of Swing" hence the similarity between him and the buses. Legend has it that when Goodman died in 1986, his obituary on the ITN news was accompanied by a caption featuring an elderly grey bearded white man in a military uniform. When quizzed as to why this had happened, the guy in the stills library replied "I thought you said 'King of Sweden'"...
Tiptoe Through The Tulips was a hit for Tiny Tim in 1968.

Monkey Man adds:

Korn show Californian rockers Korn. Eerily tragic, three years after this EP Single (in August 2006 to be exact) a man was killed at a Korn Show in Atlanta when he asked crowd members not to bump into his pregnant wife and mentally ill child. He was punched and kicked by two men. Hospitalised his life support machine was turned off a couple of days later.

Tending the Wrong Grave for 23 Years [Saucy Haulage Ballads]

A mistake has been made it's a fact they can't hide
Though I'm partly to blame it can not be denied
There ain't no use defending it seems I 've been
Tending the wrong grave for 23 years

A letter dropped on to my doormat one day
And I thought I'll ignore that it might go away
And I took up my shears to the place tha for years
I presumed my sweet darling had lain

Curse those in charge of plots
Curse these forget-me-nots
I've been sharing my inner-most thoughts with an Edward McGray
I'm inconsolable and at times uncontrollable
Ah but she wouldn't know because she's two hundred meters away
Let's complain

On my long weary journey back home I took the less frequented path and
Ended up in the Meadow of Consolation
It was a magical place
I half expected a nymph to appear
Shyly from out of the brake
Some not unexpected sheep from the brushwood
And me dressed as a Dandy in practice for the Summer Eights
Even the glebe cow started to drool
But then almost inevitably Claire Rayner appeared

I'm............
Numb from the sting that I've been tending
The wrong grave for 23 years
I walked up in autumn I ran up in spring
To the wrong grave for 23 years
Oh ding-aling-aling
Now ain't that a thing
The wrong grave for 23 years
The wrong grave for 23 years
The wrong grave for 23 years

And now the notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

glebe cow Cow put out to pasture on church land for the vicar. This is a reference to a Thomas Hardy (yes, him again) WW1 poem, Channel Firing
Summer Eights Rowing, university boat-race style.
Claire Rayner Jounalist, novelist, broadcaster and honorary associate of the National Secular Society. Perhaps "GMTV's agony aunt for the last 23 years" would be more descriptive.

Monkey Man adds:
Brake a thicket, or bracken

Jarg Armani [Saucy Haulage Ballads]

Sleet they keep the meek in doors
Sore feet obstruct them from their chores
Therefore praise the permanent
Fixture in the firmanent
Nations pass yet he remains

Five gas lighters for a pound
Snide rosettes outside the ground
Always comes in through Stranraer
Jarg Armani in the car

When archangels interfere
These things you hitherto held dear
Shall be rendered obsolete
At the dark end of the street
Yet his call still lingers on

Five gas lighters for a pound
Snide rosettes outside the ground
Always comes in through Stranraer
Jarg Armani in the car

Spares for Silverstone
Drum from Amsterdam
Sacks of Candarel
Next door's NTL


And now for the notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Jarg According to Geoff - who is also convinced that everyone will be using it now that Merseyside has invented it - all the kids describe something that's crap or snide as "Jarg".
Armani Giorgio, Italian designer who came to prominence in the 70's, convicted of corruption in the 90's. Don't believe he's any relation to Giuseppe, the sculptor.
Stranraer Scotland's gateway to Ireland, just over the English border (well, sort of) in Dumfries & Galloway. Football team have a habit of residing at the bottom end of the league.
Silverstone Quiet Northamptonshire village (now the bypass is built), invaded every now and then for a grand prix (until Bernie Ecclestone gets his way).
Canderel Low calorie sweetener. "For a healthy balanced lifestyle that tastes as good as sugar".
NTL Cable TV and internet.

Monkey Man adds:

Five lighters for a pound a familar cry from shopping centres and markets. The bloke holding the cardboard tray of disposable gas lighters offers his own alternative to the Retail Price Index and a clue to the disposable income of the average Britain. At their monthly meetings The Bank of England Monetary Committee collate the national trend of "how many lighters to the pound" to determine whether interest rates should change. Just a decade ago it was two lighters for a pound. Oh prosperous Britian. The poor bloke will soon be giving whole trays away for a pound.

Vatican Broadside [Editor's Recommendation]

The singer out of Slipknot went to Rome to see the Pope
The singer out of Slipknot went to Rome to see the Pope
The singer out of Slipknot went to Rome to see the Pope
And the Pope said to his aide

Who the fucking hell are Slipknot
Who the fucking hell are Slipknot
Who the fucking hell are Slipknot
In relation to me getting out of bed

Worried Man Blues [Editor's Recommendation]

It takes a worried man to sing the worried song
It takes a worried man to sing the worried song
I'm worried now but I won't be worried long

I went across the river and I lay down to sleep
I went across the river and I lay down to sleep
When I woke up there were shackles on my feet

Twenty nine links of chain around my feet
Twenty nine links of chain around my feet
And on each link an initial of my name

It takes a worried man to sing the worried song
It takes a worried man to sing the worried song
I'm worried now but I won't be worried long

I asked the judge what might be my time
I asked the judge what might be my time
Twenty years on the RC Mountain Line

The train came around sixteen coaches long
The train came around sixteen coaches long
The girl I love is on that train and gone

It takes a worried man to sing the worried song
It takes a worried man to sing the worried song
I'm worried now but I won't be worried long

Should anyone ask you who composed this song
Should anyone ask you who composed this song
Say it was I and I sing it all day long

It takes a worried man to sing the worried song
It takes a worried man to sing the worried song
I'm worried now but I won't be worried long
I'm worried now but I won't be worried long
I'm worried now but I won't be worried long

Lark Descending [Editor's Recommendation]

My hands are stained with thistle milk
And I can see what a fool I've been
My hands are stained with thistle milk
Look at the state it's got me in

Trying to be Mansfield's very own
Like to be Mansfield's very own
Steve Malkmus [x4]

The fire that burned inside of me
That sank rapidly into vacancy and chill
And now my hours of happiness
Are darkened by the thought they are passing towards nothing

Yeah that was me down at Camber Sands
Signing in to my chalet as
J Buckley [x3]
Unlikely

I should have just got a job on the bins
The pay's better and I know some hard blokes
And I wouldn't have to pretend
That I know what rethorical means

I could have been like Lou Barlow
But I'm more like Ken Barlow

And now the notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

The Lark Ascending is "a romance for violin and small orchestra" by Ralph Vaughan Williams (1872-1958). It can be heard to excellent effect under the opening titles to John Duigan's film 'The Year My Voice Broke' (1987). It's also a personal favourite of 'TV funnyman' Vic Reeves. More info here (ta Andrew Petrie).
"My hands are stained with thistle-milk" is also from Hardy's "Tess Of The D'Urbervilles", Phase the Third: The Rally, Chapter 4:
"She went stealthily as a cat through this profusion of growth, gathering cuckoo spittle on her skirt, cracking snails that were underfoot, staining her hands with thistle-milk and slug-slime, and rubbing off upon her naked arms sticky blights which, though snow white on the apple tree trunks, made madder stains on her skin." (thanks to Stuart Fairbrother).
Mansfield North of Nottingham, noted for a very average bitter and a football team whose Fall-loving fans are bigger than me.
Steve Malkmus Main Pavement man, now solo.
Camber Sands is a Pontins complex in East Sussex where Belle & Sebastian started up their 'Bowlie Festival' thing in '99.
J. Buckley i.e. Jeff, son of Tim, drowned in a tragic accident in 1997.
Lou Barlow One-third of Dinosaur Jr, more of Sebadoh, now with Folk Implosion. Comparisons with Nick Drake stand up, in my eyes.
Ken Barlow The most happening boring man this side of Rosamund St.

On Passing Lilac Urine [Editor's Recommendation]

Certain things have always been and ever more shall be
Walking down this country lane I’ll almost guarantee
North South East West 'twixt twelve and two
There’s a waterboard man in his waterboard van
Using up his hour in lieu

Don’t get too excited boy although it’s nearly spring
Because the serpent also hisses were the sweet birds do sing
Some say some day one of these fine nights
Councils going to ask Radiohead to switch off Blackpool lights

I’m Slim Shady the real Slim Shady the other Slim Shady has gone to play tennis

I keep well away from places were they tend to wear
Glasses I am certain they don’t really need to wear
Feng Shui okay grab the DVD
Keep it upstairs ‘til the bailiff’s been and I’ll make herbal tea

And now the notes from www.hmhb.co.uk

“the serpent also hisses were the sweet birds do sing” – a quote from Thomas Hardy’s Tess of the D’Urbervilles.

Monkey Man adds:

Feng Shui a far eastern thinking that means all your furniture has to go in a particular configuration or your karma will be out of kilter and you'll die watching tv. I'm kidding of course as I'm sure Feng shui does not allow tv's in the first place.

Slim Shady direct take on Enimem's rap riff from the eponymous song

Bob Wilson, Anchorman [Editor's Recommendation]

Lord I’ve tried the best I can
I’ve asked everybody in Kazakhstan
But I still don’t understand
Bob Wilson, anchorman

I’ve been to Kent, Gwent and Senegal
I even went to look for Jim Rosenthal
I found him on his knees at the Wailing Wall crying
Bob Wilson, anchorman

Well I marvel at the things we find beneath the ground
That man can go faster than the speed of sound
But I still can’t get my head around
Bob Wilson, anchorman

I’m cold and I’m hungry and I’m in Dundalk
I’ve got no bus fare and I’ve got to walk
It’s raining soup and I’ve got a fork
Where be my Camper Van?

Well I’d like to meet Stephenson the Engineer
And I’d like to meet Faraday and buy him a beer
And I’d love to meet the bloke who had the bright idea of
Bob Wilson, anchorman

Monkey Man adds:

Bob Wilson – Ex Arsenal goalkeeper and TV pundit. Sometimes filled in to present when all the good ones where on holiday or ill.

Jim Rosenthal – He of ITV Sport fame (F1 coverage before Steve Rider jumped ship from BBC) and Jewish, hence the Wailing Wall reference. Clever that.

New York Skiffle [Editor's Recommendation]

I’m the vendor of quack nostrums born in a Kansas shack
I came down to Greenwich Village with a tea chest on my back
I danced a while for Andy and crashed his Cadillac
Now I’m just waiting for my ban

Chorus

Oh does your
Heroin lose its glamour on the washboard overnight?
When your mother says don’t do it
Do you crank it up in spite?
Do you rob your brother’s Giro?
Do you talk a load of shite?
Does you Heroin lose its glamour on the washboard overnight?

I’ve drank too much black coffee read too much Wilbur Rose
I’ve been a He and been a She and maybe and who knows
I’ve had the cee-bee jeebies I’ve ??????? way up state
So don’t you rock me Daddio!

27 Yards of Dental Floss [Cammel Laird Social Club]

Well I told her about a thought
Life’s too short and we really should go for a ride
Paul’s just phoned the war’s postponed
So come on I’ve got the Plymouth outside

The skies a bit dull but the fridge is full
Things could be a lot worse
It’s not like you’ve been captured
By Barbary corsairs

I said let’s head Winchester way
She said I’ve been yesterday
Twenty seven yards of dental floss and she still won’t give me smile

Fired by wine she was almost mine ‘til a fight broke out in the bar
Third rate Les in his Burberry fez had gone just a little too far
Nailing down his bailing wire to the laminate floor
He sang a salty song about a girl from Bangalore

I said would you like to go the zoo
She said yeah but not with you
Twenty seven yards….etc

I’m King Euphoria she’s Queen Victoria
Twenty seven yards….etc

I’m clowning by the Sepentine
She’s still drinking turpentine
Will she ever shine a light on me

And now the notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Plymouth not Argyle, but the American automobile .
Barbary Corsairs Middle Age pirates (the Barbarossa brothers being arguably the most famous) from the Barbary coast of Muslim north Africa. Instead of going for the loot, they attacked Christian ships and ransomed off the captured crew, or sold them into slavery.
Winchester is in Hampshire.
Bangalore capital of Karnataka, India.
Serpentine Christmas day lake swimming in Hyde Park.
"Will she ever shine her light on me?" almost certainly a reference to the The Midnight Special by Johnny Rivers, the chorus of which goes "let the midnight special shine her light on me".

Monkey Man adds:

Bailing wire is used when things are too hot for tape. A favourite of MG, Triumph and Ford apparently

Queen Victoria was famously dour faced and not very amused at the best of times.

Paradise Lost (You're the Reason Why) [Cammel Laird Social Club]

Well you say you only watch documentaries
And that bad cold you’ve got that’s the flu
And the book that you foisted upon me
I’ll never read it will you

Did you play in the Garden of Eden
Were the goal keeper’s gloves to you tossed?
Coz it seems to me you’re the reason
You’re the reason why paradise lost

Was it you who invented the school run
At the Laboratoire Garnier goal [????]
And is it you who’s to stone for the motorway cone
Barry Venison and Davina McCall?

Did you play in the Garden of Eden
Were the goalkeeper’s gloves to you tossed?
Coz it seems to me you’re the reason
You’re the reason why paradise lost

Oh regain it for me Rodney

Well we’ve all seen you personalised reg plates
And it’s not the worst crime I agree
But we both know full well that it really should spell
“T” “W” “A” “T”, “O” “N” “E”

Did you play in the Garden of Eden
Were the goalkeeper’s gloves to you tossed?
Coz it seems to me you’re the reason
You’re the reason why paradise lost (x3)

And now the notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Paradise Lost poem about Adam and Eve by John Milton - basically a long-winded version of Genesis (the first book of the Old Testament, rather than the band, who were long-winded enough as they were).
Laboratoire Garnier Laurent Garnier's beauty product empire.
Barry Venison ex-Sunderland, Liverpool, Newcastle and Southampton left back, now an ITV soccer pundit.
Davina McCall stated off as an MTV presenter, now seems to on the box even when it's switched off (Big Brother, Don't Try This At Home, The Vault, Streetmate, Sam's Game and now bloody Popstars).
"Regain it for me, Rodney" a reference to Milton's bestselling sequel, Paradise Regained

Stavanger Toestub [Cammel Laird Social Club]

Bastard doorstep sockless stupid
Kill your laughter pain is brutal
Can’t walk properly for a fortnight
Deus Deus
Norway Reds in Bluecoat Chambers
The pain oh Momma the pain worse even than when I cut open
My kneecap on the freshly gritted slope and our village doctor
Cleaned out the wound with a wire brush
So now bang bang bang goes my plan (plan plan) to woo the peg lady
Colossal drag
Teach me to go barefoot

And now the notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Bending of the stubs of anodes in aluminium smelters is known as the "toe-in" effect. There's a few smelters in Norway, around Stavanger. Interesting, but nowt to do with clobbering your toe.

Monkey Man adds:

Just prior to this album and a few years before Abramovich bankrolled them, Chelsea played in Europe and lost 4-2, pathetically, to a lowly Norwegian team by the name of Viking Stavanger. As the lyrics are muffled swear-words I always assumed it was an attempt to capture the mood of the Chelsea team on their long flight home. But then the above lyrics appear inside the cd cover and blow my theory out of the water although these words aren’t heard on the actual track

Thy Damnation, Slumbereth Not [Cammel Laird Social Club]

I’m gonna grab myself an industry insider mask and blag myself in to the after show
I wanna get in amongst the baying hordes of resting actors
Who’ve just got back from visiting Nairobi slums for Comic Relief
And now they’re going to spend the next six weeks sitting in the vestibule
Waiting for the Farm Foods phone call
The farm foods phone call

I’m going to be apprehended by some mandatory galoot with a hand held camera
Who will point it in my face and say, “what are you and what do you do”
And I’ll say I’m a counterblast to Agnosticism how do you do
And he’ll go away immediately

I wanna meet Howard Marks but they say that I can’t
I need four different wrist bands

Oh me oh follow down to the hollow and there we will wallow

There a Brit Pop refuge walking up to me
And his face is hollow from seasons of disappointment
And he starts blathering on about his latest project
Already being dismissed by the most unlikeliest of cable stations
It’s a dot com sitcom about a hip hop chip shop

Chatto and Windus sitting in a tree
“D” “I” “S” “S” “I” “N” “G”
Keith Allen’s autobiography

I’m just trying to break the drudgery of the downstairs maid
I’m just trying to write the sort of tune you can maybe hum while waiting for
Your lover on a railway platform

I wanna meet Howard Marks but they say that I can’t

Oh me oh follow down to the hollow and there we will wallow

I want to perch myself halfway up a metal staircase with the Polydor girls
And talk about meerkats and come out with statements like
Well of course music these days is the slave of mammon and as a result
It has become corrupt and shallow
Its real essence is industry
Its moral purpose is the acquisition of money
Its aesthetic pretext is the entertainment of those who are bored
And yes we’re really excited about going back in to the studio
Hotly tipped highly anticipated and slated for release

I wanna meet Howard Marks but they say that I can’t
He’s talking to Ian Broudie

And come four o’clock if I’m still on my feet there’s a bloke over there
Who said I could meet……Ken Livingstone
Well I’m just a primitive creature of the heath so excuse my savage ignorance
But if I’m still on my feet at four o’clock
I’ll be stealing the lead of the roof

Oh me oh follow down to the hollow and there we will wallow

Stealing the lead of the roof [x4]

Come saddle my milk white steed
I’ve seen much more than I need
And I know that you won’t heed the call
So I sprayed it on to the wall

Thy damnation, slumbereth not

And now the notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

More from Hardy's Tess of the d'Urbervilles - Phase the Second, Chapter 1:

"As he [Alec] had her basket she could not well do otherwise; and she waited, observing him. He set down her basket and the tin pot, and stirring the paint with the brush that was in it began painting large square letters on the middle board of the three composing the stile, placing a comma after each word, as if to give pause while that word was driven well home to the reader's heart--

Thy, Damnation, Slumbereth, Not.
2 Pet. ii. 3."

Nairobi capital of Kenya.
Comic Relief a relief from the 'comedy' would be most welcome in most cases. All for a good cause though, so mustn't grumble.
Farm Foods "The frozen food specialists".
galoot was originally the term for a novice seaman.
A Counterblast To Agnosticism another Tess of the d'Urbervilles reference - Phase the First, Chapter 2:

"...Come along, or it will be dark before we get to Stourcastle, and there's no place we can sleep at nearer than that; besides, we must get through another chapter of A COUNTERBLAST TO AGNOSTICISM before we turn in, now I have taken the trouble to bring the book."

Howard Marks Mr. Nice, celebrated ex-dope dealer.
Four different wristbands reference to the various colours you get at festivals these areas. "Pink bands only to get into this toilet, mate."
"follow me oh follow, down to the hollow..." is a slight rewording of The Hippopotamus Song by Flanders and Swann.
Britpop Blur et al from the early 90's. The refugee in question isn't Mr Albran though. Oh no.
"Chatto & Windus sitting in a tree..." from the rhyme "A and B sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes A with a baby carriage." where A and B seem to be just about anyone..
Chatto & Windus publishers. Not Chettle and Windass.
Keith Allen Actor, Damien Hirst's best mate, chum to the Blur boys and thus one-third of Fat Les.
Polydor Record label.
Mammon Wealth regarded as a God or an evil influence.
Ian Broudie Lightning Seeds mainman (only man), stalwart of the Liverpool scene (Big in Japan, Original Mirrors etc).
Ken Livingstone leader of the Greater London Council from 1981-86 (when Margaret Thatcher abolished the GLC), Labour MP for Brent East 1987-2000, was on Labour's National Executive Committee 1987-89, and again 1997-98, defeating Peter Mandelson to gain (re-)election. Elected Mayor of London in May 2000.
"Come saddle my milk-white steed" is from The Gypsy Laddie and Lady Maisry (amongst others), traditional English folk songs and ballads of Francis J. Child. There are umpteen other variations of the song, e.g. Georgie, as performed by Sandy Denny, Martin Carthy, Joan Baez, Ewan McColl...