What Planet?

Thank you to the few who have left comments in the last few months. I've neglected this blog since around April having been on another planet. Somewhere. That's not to say I will be picking up this blog where I left off anytime soon.

I'll monitor things from time to time but further developements - that is, lyrics - will be a long time coming.

Sorry.

EE/MM

The Light at the end of the tunnel

Some of the more frequent and established viewers will know that my posting rate for new lyrics can be pretty glacial at times. Well fear not for there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I came across a rival site yesterday and rather than shun it, ignore it, pretend it doesn't exist I positively embrace its presence. The author has taken his site in the very direction I had planned and spent a lot of last Sunday failing to execute.

The upshot? Well, we have been in contact with the result being that while my posting rate for new lyrics on here may remain very slow a brilliant alternative site is simply only a click away at www.chrisrand.com/hmhb/ so pay it a visit.

I will still continue to ramble on here occasionally and infrequent bursts of activity will see a whole album appear when you least expect it. Hopefully we'll have everything covered between the two sites!

Okay, some normality restored

I have rid the busted page of horrible artefacts that popped up from orphan code and such like, and the blog is at least readable again. But the song list (the reason you are looking at the blog no doubt) vanished.

I could spend time repairing the list but I may aswell build the new website instead. It will be at www.halfmanhalfbiscuithalfhearted.co.uk

Until I can figure out how to publish effectively to the new domain I'll run this blog and the new site in tandem. My aim is to have the blog/comments structure under the .co.uk site. That should be easy according to the Blogger help pages. Errrrr, no Blogger....I did what you said and my blog got screwed up. Bugger.

EDIT: after much in the dark tweaking I got the blog back as it was. What a waste of a Sunday morning. I have also trialed some web authoring apps including Frontpage, NetObjects, PageBreeze, MoreMotion and Coffee Cup and they all suck. What a load of tosh they were with promised WSIWYG control let down by very poor implementation. I'm off to watch football.

Hmmm

Okay it seems that we have a slight technical problem with the blog.

Blogger is not very receptive to allowing ftp control over the site so I moved to a new domain on which I should be able to publish the blog and tinker with the structure using an ftp client.

I followed the rather poorly described examples and the current blog went boom. I'm not even sure if this post will actually post.

Damn.

Time to get my internet spanners out.

Album: McIntyre, Treadmore and Davitt

Song list:

Outbreak Of Vitus Gerulaitis
Prag Vec At The Melkweg
Christian Rock Concert
Lets Not
Yipps (My baby Got The)
Hedley Verityesque
A Lilac Harry Quinn
Our Tune
Girlfriend's Finished With Him
Everything's A.O.R.

CSI: Ambleside - a new album!!!

Yeeha,

As Martin pointed out a little while ago a new album is released 28th April entitled (hilariously) CSI: Ambleside.

The track listing can be seen on Amazon and you can of course pre-order (as I have done).


A quick link to the Amazon page is here.

New Album Lyrics!

Do not rub your eyes in disbelief! It is true. I have posted another set of album lyrics.

The lucky album this time round is ACD. Many thanks to Martin for supplying the lyrics (a long time ago, sorry Martin).

EskimoEric

Album: ACD

Song List:

The Best Things In Life

D'Ye Ken Ted Moult?

Reasons To Be Miserable (Part 10)

Rod Hull Is Alive - Why?

Dickie Davies Eyes

The Bastard Son Of Dean Friedman

I Was A Teenage Armchair Honved Fan

Arthur's Farm

Carry On Cremating

Albert Hammond Bootleg (live)

Reflections In A Flat (live)

Sealclubbing (live)

Architecture And Morality, Ted And Alice (live)

Fuckin' 'Ell, It's Fred Titmus (live)

Time Flies By (When Your The Driver Of A Train) (live)

All I Want For Christmas Is A Dukla Prague Away Kit (live)

The Trumpton Riots (live)

Carry On Cremating [ACD]

We’re hardly the fruit from a well-tended banana tree
We’re hardly the Bayeux in rock’s rich tapestry
We were like two rubber ducks that passed each other in the bath
I can sound like Wally out of Crossroads, Kath

She threw an apple in my eye, cor blimey
Alex Haley was adopted, that’s what’s called a disappointment

When England won the world cup back in 1966
Wembley must have been a sea of smiles
Well, I think Kenneth Wolstenholme summed up the moment really well
When he said “Just look at Nobby Stiles”

She threw an apple in my eye, cor blimey
Alex Haley was adopted, that’s what’s called a disappointment

Oh they’re still cremating Hattie Jacques; I am not surprised
Come on now, let’s face it, she was fat
It usually takes for ever tryin’ to burn the grossly oversized
Who would ever want to look that that?
She had a face that could launch a thousand dredgers
I could never get her on my portable TV

She threw an apple in my eye, cor blimey
Alex Haley was adopted, that’s what’s called a disappointment

Notes from www.hmhb.co.uk

Taken from a Peel session (as are many on the CD). It was originally titled "The Continuous Cremation of Hattie Jacques."
Carry On Gerald Thomas is the Scorsese of British cinema. The Carry On films combine the philosophical insight of Kieslowski, the scope of Herzog, the intellectual rigour of Wenders and the character handling of Louis Malle.
Hattie Jacques Overweight star of "Carry On".
Bayeux Town in Normandy. Has tapestry depicting Norman conquest of England
Wally out of Crossroads Crossroads was a crap soap opera about a motel. Don't remember Wally. He was played by Max Wall.
Kath [Brownlow] Neice of the above Wally.
Alex Haley Author of "Roots", collaborated with Malcolm X. Nice reference to the fact that the book was really fictional!
Kenneth Wolstenholme Footy commentator 60's - present. World Cup Final 1966. I thought he was long-dead until he turned up hosting Channel 4's coverage of the Italian Serie A.
Nobby Stiles Man Utd & England, '66 World Cup, deficient in front teeth. Hard man. Oh, and his son John attempted to play for Leeds Utd.

Arthur's Farm [ACD]

Arthur Askey and Dougie Buggy Bader
Went down to the Animal Farm
Dougie bored a boar with his stories from the war
And explained about the boil on his palm
Napolean, wearing pink, offered both of them a drink
And a drink and a drink and a drink

Come the hour of four they were legless to be sure
And not one of them had even had a wink of sleep

And everybody sang as loud as they could
“Two legs bad but four legs good”
This made the boys feel pretty oppressed

Came the new realm, it was AA at the helm
While Douglas played Luftwaffe on the roofs
And they’re amputating limbs while the others wrote new hymns
And a signpost read “Second hand hooves”
Years passed by, guns were blazing in the sky
It was good but it was total apathy
Everybody arsed around and the Beasts Of England sound
Had been ruined by that busy, busy bee.

And chants were heard from the east to the west
“Four legs good but no legs best”

Invalidity reigns supreme
And chants were heard from the east to the west
“Four legs good but no legs best”
One time visitors were now the regime

Notes from www.hmhb.co.uk

Takes the mickey from "Animal Farm" Contains all the essential anti-totalitarianism of 1984, but is shorter and has animals in it :-)
Arthur Askey Wartime comic. Very unfunny comedian "I thank you", the f***ing song about the bee, and the like. Died gradually by having legs amputated one by one. God he was unfunny.
Douglas Bader Second World War British Fighter pilot who lost his legs in an accident in 193X but flew Hurricanes in the Battle of Britain. Later captured and ended up in Colditz after unsuccessful escape attempts. Oddly enough Pat Reid's otherwise excellent books don't mention whether the Germans used to confiscate his false legs if he tried to escape (they did, but only after about the tenth time).
"Four legs good but no legs best" From "Animal Farm" where the sheep continually chant "Two legs bad, four legs good".
Napoleon French leader and chief pig in "Animal Farm".
It's been offered from afar that the keyboard riff at the end is a touch "Eton Rifles"-ish. Not sure I agree, Ted...

I Was a Teenage Armchair Honved Fan [ACD]

Woke up this morning, found myself in bed
My knowledge of the blues is somewhat nil
I’d dreamt about a love affair in far-off Budapest
The sort of thing that sugars every pill
I was a teenage armchair Honved fan

I went dans la cuisine in a bilinguistic mood
And Morphy Richards popped up with the goods
I was feeling ‘Hungary’ both this morning and last night
And with an appetite like that you see the woods
I was a teenage armchair Honved fan

Is this the bit where we’re supposed to make guitars collide
And is this the bit where we release all that raw energy
And is this the bit where we go crashing through those barriers
Like wot they do in music mags?

I was a teenage armchair Honved fan (x7)

I was a teenage, wham bam thank you

I was a teenage armchair Honved fan (x8)

Notes from www.hmhb.co.uk

Honved Hungarian footy side (based in Budapest)
Morphy Richards Domestic electrical goods manufacturer (esp. toasters)
wham bam, thank you mam Nicked from David Bowie's Suffragette City.

The Bastard Son of Dean Friedman [ACD]

Well I heard a lovely rumour that Bette Midler had a tumour
So gleefully I went to tell my friends
But they said it was a lie and she wasn’t going to die
“And by the way, have we news for you?”

And they told me that the man I had always known as dad
Hadn’t met my mom when I was born
And they reckon that I am but I hope to god I’m not

The bastard son of Dean Friedman
The bastard son of Dean Friedman

And my schoolwork fell behind with this bombshell on my mind
But the art teacher said he understood
But he could only sympathise with the sadness in my eyes
Even though he showed me his Magritte
And in the corridors of fear I would shed a lovely tear
And ridicule flew at me from both sides
And they mocked me in my mocks and embroidered in my socks

The bastard son of Dean Friedman
The bastard son of Dean Friedman

SupercalifragilisticBorussiaMuenchenGladbach

And you can thank your lucky stars that you’re not the bastard son of Dean Friedman
The bastard son of Dean Friedman

Notes from www.hmhb.co.uk

Dean Friedman MOR singer most famous in the late 70's, but still going strong today. Read all about him on Dean's own website.
Bette Middler US comic/actress.
Magritte (Belgian) painter, surrealist, painter of bowler-hatted man with an apple instead of a face.
SupercalafragilisticBorussiaMoenchengladbach Half Mary Poppins song (or from a song), half German football outfit.
"...and you can thank your lucky stars..." Dean Friedman's biggest hit was "Lucky Stars" (no.3, 1978), a duet with a mystery female. You know, "and you can thank your lucky stars that we're not as smart as we like to think we are". Or something like that. He followed it up with a minor hit, "Lydia", but the charts never saw light of him again...

Dickie Davies Eyes [ACD]

Mention the Lord Of The Rings just once more and I’ll more than likely kill you
More cock, more cock, Michael Moorcock you fervently moan
Is this a wok that you shove down my throat or are you just pleased to see me?
Brian Moore’s head looks uncannily like London Planetarium

And all the people who you romantically
Like to still believe are alive are dead
So I’ll wipe my snot on the arm of your chair
As you put another Roger Dean poster on the wall

God, I could murder a Cadbury’s Flake but then I guess you wouldn’t let me into heaven?
Or maybe you would, ‘cos their adverts promote oral sex
A Romany bint in a field with her paints, suggesting we faint at her beauty
But she’s got Dickie Davies eyes

And all the people who you romantically
Like to still believe are alive are dead
So I’ll wipe my snot on the arm of your chair
As you put another Roger Dean poster on the wall

And all the people who you romantically
Like to still believe are alive are dead
So I’ll wipe my snot on the arm of your chair
As you put another Roger Dean poster on the wall

Notes from www.hmhb.co.uk

Title parodies "Bette Davies Eyes" by Kim Carnes.
Sleeve parodies "World Of Sport" title sequence.
Dickie Davies TV presenter of ITV "World of Sport", ITV's amazingly bad World of Sport on Saturday afternoons. DD sported a phenomenal grey streak in his hair, "nice" blazers and managed to maintain an even interest in everything from the FA cup to Monster Truck Pulls. Truly the Beeb got all the good sport in those days. He's from Wallasey (i.e., Merseyside HMHB country), and attended Oldershaw School. Now how's that for trivia?
Opening keyboard riff is a rip-off of the War of the Worlds theme tune.
The Lord Of the Rings Trilogy by J.R.R. Tolkien. The sort of things Oxford professors of Old English do when they have too much spare time. Due to popular demand, virtually every scrap of paper he has ever written on has been published, including the totally unreadable "Unfinished Tales"
Michael Moorcock Science fiction/fantasy writer, much-beloved of a particular sort of saddo, particularly his Elric fantasies. "Moorcock" has an unfortunate pornographic homonym phrase used in the song. Also, it appears, he wrote some songs for Hawkwind and possibly even The Blue Oyster cult.
Brian Moore Charisma-free ITV footy commentator with a classic chrome dome.
London Planetarium Tourist attraction, projects spots of light onto the inside of a hemisphere. Near Madame Tussaud's with a classic domed metallic roof! Gillingham FC have named their fanzine "Brian Moore's head looks uncannily like London Planetarium" in honour of one of their most famous fans (which in 2006 gave up on the paper world and went online.
Roger Dean Culprit for the fantasy art on many Yes Albums. You know all those appalling prog rock concept albums you find for 99p in shops, with pictures of robots on horseback and suchlike? Chances are that Roger Dean painted it.
Cadbury's Flake Only the crumbiest, flakiest chocolate, tastes like chocolate never tasted before. Yeah. Used to have ads [still used!] in which attractive totty unwrapped and sucked flakes in a fashion that was sexually explicit.

Dickie davies Eye

Mention the Lord Of The Rings just once more and I’ll more than likely kill you

More cock, more cock, Michael Moorcock you fervently moan

Is this a wok that you shove down my throat or are you just pleased to see me?

Brian Moore’s head looks uncannily like London Planetarium

And all the people who you romantically

Like to still believe are alive are dead

So I’ll wipe my snot on the arm of your chair

As you put another Roger Dean poster on the wall

God, I could murder a Cadbury’s Flake but then I guess you wouldn’t let me into heaven?

Or maybe you would, ‘cos their adverts promote oral sex

A Romany bint in a field with her paints, suggesting we faint at her beauty

But she’s got Dickie Davies eyes

And all the people who you romantically

Like to still believe are alive are dead

So I’ll wipe my snot on the arm of your chair

As you put another Roger Dean poster on the wall

And all the people who you romantically

Like to still believe are alive are dead

So I’ll wipe my snot on the arm of your chair

As you put another Roger Dean poster on the wall

Rod Hull Is Alive - Why? [ACD]

A doyen of topiary once told me
That one day he would like to grow a maze
It seemed to be quite logical that this should be his wish
And with that we both went our separate ways

They said you died at seven due to something in your head
I asked the sister why it wasn’t someone else instead
Tonight I’ll cry myself a bath of tears and ask the world
Why is Rod Hull alive and getting paid as well?

Heard a Palace spokesman mention ‘Sarah’
Said she’d known the groins of Jacques Laffite
She’s well prepared to be a standard-bearer
As pure as unproverbial driven sleet

Half way up the Wrekin with an empty flask of tea
A fog descends and takes away my visibility
Yet in this Helen Keller state I’d still quite like to know
Why is Rod Hull alive and getting paid as well?

And I wonder if they’ll bring back national service and the birch
And I wonder but I doubt if they will ever bring back the Watney Cup

Notes from www.hmhb.co.uk

Rod Hull TV personality with gimmick emu on his arm. He's a wretched Australian and has had the same act for 20 years. The amusement wore off over 19 years ago. This interview says it all...
Topiary The art of sculpting hedges into hens.
Sarah Duchess of York, professional ski-holidayer.
Jacques Laffite Formula 1 race driver 70's - 80's until a nasty leg-breaking accident in '86. Now back in touring cars etc. NB Sarah Ferguson lived for two years with former racing driver Paddy McNally before shacking up with Prince Andy, but this doesn't rhyme with sleet! McNally who was one of the people responsible for Marlboro sponsorship deals. For real F1 Fornication just look at the later affairs of Jacky Ickx.
Helen Keller Deaf, blind, mute & religious. An R.E. teacher's dream.
The Wrekin Shropshire hill.
national service the draft, for our American colleagues. However, we didn't have the benefit of Vietnam and most NS conscripts ended up peeling potatoes at Catterick for two years.
the birch an excellent way of deterring young offenders on the Isle of Man.
Watney Cup Pointless pre-season footy trophy (won by Bristol Rovers in 1972). It featured the two top-scoring teams in each division who weren't promoted and who hadn't qualified for the European competitions.

Reasons to be Miserable (Part 10) [ACD]

A fairly attractive girl walks past a building site and from underneath an industrial safety helmet you hear…. … ta Neil!
And you stand there witnessing the whole Neanderthal situation, wanting to twist your own brain out as they sit satisfied on their newly-built wall, laughing their hods off.
Cringe!

Reasons to be miserable, another good excuse to be dead
It’s one more thing to gripe about as I while away my days in bed

And there’s the person who collects all things Pierrot and loves Siamese cats and thinks they’re sophisticated ‘cos they eat Fry’s Chocolate Cream
And they’d do anything to spend the night with that fella off the Turkish Delight advert who’s full of Eastern monosodium glutamate

And they always have a portrait of a sad clown on the wall and they go to charity shops and tend to become slightly orgasmic at the thought of vampire lust.
Cringe!

Reasons to be miserable, another good excuse to be dead
It’s one more thing to gripe about as I while away my days in bed
Reasons to be miserable, another good excuse to be dead
It’s one more thing to gripe about as I while away the days in bed

And I don’t know anyone who puts peaches on their cornflakes either!

Notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Title parodies "Reasons to be Cheerful, Part 3" by Ian Dury and the Blockheads.
Pierrot Pale & sad French clown, teardrop on cheek etc. Cultural reference stolen from the Italian Commedia dell'Arte genre of the 17th Century and turned into something saddoes wank off over at Athena.
Fry's Chocolate Cream/Turkish Delight Chocolates, adverts in desert, Rudolf Valentino style.
peaches on their cornflakes a less than gentle dig at some fruity serving suggestions on Kellogg's packets.

Where are the lyrics?

Well I didn't get around to adding more lyrics over the festive season as other things got in the way. I will endeavour to rectify that asap.