Breaking News [Cammel Laird Social Club]

We’re just receiving a report of an incident at a farm in Sussex

Where a number of people have been arrested in connection with annoying the nation

It is believed the owner of the farm, a Mr Hibbert, has been co-operating with police and government officials in a plot code named operation “Less Pricks” and kindly granted permission for the use of his 17^th century tithe-barn as a temporary holding place for those arrested

Although not confirmed we are led to understand that those already charged include

• Bus drivers who don’t wait for people to sit down before pulling away from the bus stop

• Taxi drivers who use their horns instead of knocking on the door
• People who moan at the council about the streets being full of litter not stopping to think that it is people who drop litter not the council
• A room full of drama teachers listening to Bjork
• Grown men with replica shirts worn over their jumpers who stand up and stretch out their arms when the opposing team fail to hit the target
• An assortment of scriptwriters, novelists and playwrights who own agas but don’t know how to use them
• A musical equipment reviewer responsible for an article titled “microphone of the month”
• A woman who described herself as, “a little bit Bridget, a little bit Ally, a little bit Sex in the City”, and chose to call her baby boy Fred as a childishly rebellious attempt at a clever reaction to those that might have expected her to call him Julian or Rupert. Bit of advice, call him Rupert. It fits and besides it’s a good name. Don’t be calling him Fred or Archie with all its cheeky but loveable scamp working class connotations unless you do really have plans for him to spend his life in William Hill’s waiting for them to weigh in at Newton-Abbott
• Also being held is a whole wall full of teenagers spitting needlessly
• An amateur thug in camouflage trousers whose Japanese fighting dog had run amok on a Swindon council estate
• A man from the record company who said that George Michael continues to challenge social taboos through his music
• Lisa Riley
• Continuity announcers introducing comedy shows
• A pub band that get uppity when everyone goes to the bar during a song they’ve written themselves
• A group of football fans referred to as “commodores” as in once, twice, three times a season, who feed sugar-lumps to police horses at cup finals
• An artist who said his next album will be more song based
• A man who informs people that he gets up at 6am every morning and seemed to want a medal
• People who say they speak as they find and are somehow proud of it
• Journalists who try and spell an interviewees laugh
• An organisation that declared and awareness week for awareness weeks
• And a council worker who dropped litter

We’ll bring you more details as they emerge

And now for the notes taken from www.hmhb.co.uk

Aga cooker, developed by Dr. Gustaf Dalen, world renowned Swedish physicist and Nobel Prize Winner after he was blinded by one of his experiments in 1922. Also (possibly) a reference to the 'Aga saga' novels from the likes of Joanna Trollope, the sort of story set in middle England, populated by the middle classes of the type that typically own Aga cookers.
Bridget Jones, 32, single, who I believe kept a diary and liked the odd glass of Chardonnay.
Ally McBeal, about 32, single, lawyer.
Sex In The City Carrie Bradshaw and co, around 32, single, gossip columnist. Think you're getting the idea.
William Hill Bookies.
Newton Abbot Racecourse in Devon.
Lisa Riley Mandy Dingle in Emmerdale, now annoying host of You've Been Framed.
Three Times A Lady was a hit for the Commodores in 1978.